Too Lazy To Spoogle* (*-Space Google) | text

[whyarewehere]

[ The post drifts up onto the comms one evening, just a simple line of text to ask a simple question:]

guys, how do aliens know when other aliens are hot?

Comments

[nofortunateson]

OH. Okay that makes more sense.

I guess if it's hot in terms of 'is alien type A attracted to alien type B' then it's just a heart wants what it wants kind of thing.

If it's 'how attractive is this other kind of alien on their home planet' they'd have to research it, I guess. Do you think aliens have fashion magazines?

[thebioticwoman]

Why wouldn't they? I know the asari do back home.

[thebioticwoman]

Garrus says turians do too.

[She's a little confused by people treating aliens as if they're, well, alien. Aliens where she's from are all too human, and that's the problem.]

[nofortunateson]

I can't believe fashion magazines are a universal constant.

[thebioticwoman]

To be fair, the turian versions probably feature a lot of guns and armor.

[nofortunateson]

And those asari ones you mentioned?

[Screw it, he's curious now.]

[thebioticwoman]

They basically look like human women except with blue skin and kind of a swept-back set of tendrils instead of hair.

[Because Bioware is garbage.]

[nofortunateson]

I was more curious if their fashion magazines have anything really different.

I'll be honest I'm mostly really hoping that humans have the monopoly on terrible misguided sex advice.

[thebioticwoman]

Not really. I also wouldn't know where to start with an asari sex columnist, because they reproduce by melding nervous systems.

[whyarewehere]

what.

[nofortunateson]

Seconded. What.

[thebioticwoman]

Asari only have one sex and reproduce by melding with their partner's nervous system, using the connection to "read" the DNA, and somehow applying that information to randomize parts of the child's DNA. It also basically merges the partners' consciousnesses briefly.

Look, it makes no sense, I know, don't ask me to explain more than that. I majored in shooting things, not xenobio.

[nofortunateson]

That makes two of us but you're still doing a heck of a job being a cultural ambassador here.

[calibrates_big_guns]

It doesn't make any more sense to me, for the record.

[the_civilian]

That's kind of cool, actually. Are they a procreative sex-only species, or do they have non-procreative options?

[whyarewehere]

dude, the ones back home have creepy sex temples. i'm sure they do and i do not want to see them.

[nofortunateson]

All right, but you can't just say something like 'creepy sex temples' and not explain it a little more. That is the kind of thing were people are going to want to hear details.

[thedreamisdead]

What, you didn't get enough of those on that other mission?

[nofortunateson]

Come on, those weren't creepy.

[whyarewehere]

alright, no holding out, please tell me about the time you took beeny to a sex temple. then it will be a fair trade.

[ It was probably that whole fake marriage mission thing, but Grif didn't go. For all he knows, it could be exactly what it sounds like. ]

[nofortunateson]

A gentleman never tells.

[whyarewehere]

lame.

[nofortunateson]

Honestly the sex temple was the most boring part of the entire trip, you're really not missing much of a story there.

[whyarewehere]

you are a horrible storyteller, north.

[whyarewehere]

it was exactly what it sounds like?

don't go look at old alien crap. don't make friends with people who want to dig up old alien crap. it's good life advice, trust me.

[ North doesn't really know him or his friends, so between that and not going into details? It's possible to kind of talk about it like it's a funny haha noodle incident. ]