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[This isn't the first time there's been a video post on Legion's network made by a rabbit, but it is the first time the rabbit making it is six feet tall, with an accent thick enough to cut with a knoife.]

G'day, mates. I'm the Easter Bunny.

[This would be the place to insert a punchline, if this were a joke. Bunny does not insert one. Actually, by his smug smile, he seems pretty proud of the title.]

I'm gonna need to get down to Earth sooner rather than later. Gettin' dragged out here did away with most've my powers, and I need to get down to a real bush to figure out what I've still got. Who's headed planetside when?

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[No tell him, he's very interested. Interested in being judgy about those choices.]

If you bought 'em dross you shouldn't have said it was from me.

[TWO CAN PLAY THIS GOSH DARNED GAME YOU GROWN FOOL]

If they happened to find some hand-painted eggs and candy better than any you've ever dreamed since YOU were a kid in among the dreck, and you just avoided thinking about how you didn't remember buying it, you're welcome.

What.

[ But it is ridiculous story book kid shit, and Grif just can't. ]

Can you run that last one by me again, you know. Dead serious?

I fought. The Boogeyman. With Santa, and the Tooth Fairy, and the Sandman, and Jack Frost.

[He says it with deliberate slowness, unable to resist the urge to brag. Even if it does sound like bedside gossamer to Grif, it was among the most serious moments of his life. So it's easy to grin over the victory.]

Stonkered 'im too. Twice, even. Along with loads a' smaller evils, before Jack even came around. And after Jack did, we took down Old Man Winter, too.

[He has to add it on. It still barely seems possible, and feels less real out here, where the change in the belonging of the seasons doesn't subtly whisper to him of a new rightness in the world.]

Serious enough for ya, mate?

...You have a justice league for mythical creatures.

To fight the boogeyman.

Oh my god.

[ Why is this his life? Why are these the things that appear in his life? ]

[Be as unkind as you like. Peter has been. He's extremely glad that the old bitch is dead and gone and she doesn't get to dictate his life anymore. He's over that.]

...that must really surprise the supermarkets.

[Are these actual eggs or the chocolate kind that he'd always wanted as a kid but never been allowed?]

Oh, immortality definitely has it's perks. Although I'm rather fond of the eating and sleeping parts.

[...Look at the face of this extremely skeptical child.]

The Easter Bunny? Really?

[Alien rabbits? Sure. Australian alien rabbits? Alright. But the Easter Bunny? No. Just...no. But then-]

Oh! I get it. It's a code name! Duh!

...Did you lose a bet?

Wow, the actual Easter Bunny. Although I wouldn't have pegged you as being Australian.

Dr. Ray Stantz, Ghostbuster. I'm a paranormal investigator.

[Yeah, there's a gap in translation here; Miku's experiences with Easter were, how does one say, extremely nonexistent. So she squints at the video. Those are ears. That is a bunny nose.]

You look nothing like your kit-kat.

[She shrugs at the camera. Guess a rabbit wouldn't be. She doesn't comment on the snort.

Fortunately, she's pretty good at reading tone. Even in an Oz accent.]

Fairly high up.

[No need to mention the Council of Five. It won't mean much to someone unfamiliar with her world, and she's not sure what governments he's used to to compare her position.]

Of course, that doesn't mean much to people here.

It is entirely possible. Still, I do find some things hard to suspend my disbelief for. Viking zombies, for example.

[Widowmaker has no idea how long Bunny disbelievingly stared at this message, because of all the unlikely things for a blue mortal to mention -

She has no idea that 'Viking zombie' uniquely describes his oldest and most personally, virulently hated foe. She can't possibly. Can she? Unless - nope.

His frown has only deepened a bit, but his fur is standing on edge when he responds.]

How many 'a those are runnin' around?

[He returns the squint.]

My what now?

[Oh dear, it's a teenager. That awkward age when they're still a kid, but no longer likely a believer - he honestly has very little idea how to handle that age.

So he just pulls one of the few unpainted eggs he got pulled over with from his pack, a paintbrush from somewhere else in his bandolier, and with his eyebrow raised, transforms the plain white egg into a hand-decorated work of flowery, intricate art. The process takes about 5 seconds, and Bunny frowns at the slowness. The bristles of the brush aren't even smoking. He really has been nerfed.]

Dunno what you mean, kiddo.

[It occurs to Bunny that Grif isn't taking this remotely as seriously as he should, even as a bedside tale for children, and that makes it less funny.]

Someone has to.

[He has to think for a moment, how to get this across to an adult, and a non-believer. He has to impress some seriousness onto Grif before ribbing can be fun to get back to, only because he hasn't grasped that Grif is from a world so far removed from his that the possibility of the fantastic and child friendly being real is too absurd to even approach reality.]

Y'ever think back on yer childhood fears, the ones you don't believe are real anymore? The ones you can believe aren't real?

Yeah, you're welcome for that.

None, as far as I am aware. They apparently exist in one of the more recent arrivals' world that is experiencing a zombie apocalypse. And yet, those people decided to build a zombie themed amusement park. Right in the midst of it all.

I draw my line at viking zombies.

[She makes a squared shape with her fingers] It's a candy, with chocolate around wafers. You're... usually... smaller.

[And friendlier-looking.]

[ Grif sobers, but only barely. This is a bit of a communication breakdown here, yeah. ]

I don't think we have you guys where I come from, dude.

[ Nailed it. ]

[Somebody has a little red notebook open and a pencil in hand.]

First question: would you categorize yourself as a spirit with a reputation for giving away candy, a tulpa artificially created by belief, or a figment of people's imagination given life by world physics that allow beings to exist in the mindscape, currently personified in a flesh and blood body by the Time Trapper?

Second question: bunnies and Jesus having the same holiday, what's that about?

Third question: eggs and candy? What's the root cause of their association?

[A pause, and he looks up from his notebook.]

Don't worry, this isn't an interrogation, I'm just trying to categorize you for science.

[Another pause, as he realizes maybe this is a little awkward. He tries to defend himself.]

I'm writing it all down. That's what makes it science.

Edited 2017-08-10 04:35 (UTC)

[Look at the little scientist, doing his science! That's adorable.]

None of the above. Good guess, though. I know a lotta spirits who could fit those bills.

[And since there's no real point in being too vague and mysterious -]

Try 'ascended mortal.' That's closer to the mark.

[And then the kid has to go bringing religion into the question, and man, Bunny just hopes he's not messing with some mortal's faith too much with all this. They take that so seriously.]

That one's on you mortals. I used to give the eggs and candy closer to the equinox, but now I'm expected at Easter. The way you teach your myths to your kids don't change us, but we pay attention. As for the eggs and candy - They make good gifts around springtime. I happen to know how to grow eggs out of flowers, and paint 'em up beautiful. I also happen to make just about the best candy you've ever had. Come the end of winter, when mortals start needing hope, what's a better gift than something beautiful you can eat?

There's your answers. Were they scientific enough, or do y'need me to sketch a microscopy of an egg-growing flower cell to go with it?

[If he can talk to a kid in science terms - there's no way he's going to skip that opportunity.]

[It's not messing with his faith. His agnosticism has turned into a slightly dystheist "hey, god, I refuse to believe in you until you explain why you're such a dick that you have a spirit of vengeance running around" kind of thing.]

Interesting, interesting.

[Yes, he's writing it all down.]

[At the offer of the sketch, he raises an eyebrow.]

Would you be willing to do that?

[Huh, that...wasn't bad. This guy is really devoted to his gimmick.]

I mean, isn't it kind of demeaning?

[Oh dear. So this is what happens when they go from being children, being ready and happy to believe in something whimsical and fun and pretty just for the sake of all those things, to being teenagers - a little skeptical of all of those concepts.

He leans forward, still idly twirling the paintbrush, staring dryly.]

Why would it be demeaning?

Yeah, not many expect that.

[He knows he's a visitor on his own continent. What he doesn't really realize is how much of an epidemic mortal rabbits are on otherworld versions of the continent, where he wasn't there to clean up that particular invasive species.]

Ah, one of those? I had one of your lot tailing me a few seasons ago. Thought I was a sasquatch.

[It was sort of neat to be messing with an adult that close to actually believing, even though the mortal never actually saw him, even when he was cleaning his teeth in front of the guy.]

What's your strategy? Psychic, or do you have one of those little boxes that beep when a ghost is around?

It's not...rabbit racism? I mean the Easter Bunny is basically a cartoon to sell egg-painting kits and awful jelly beans. You could probably find a better theme, even if you are really good at painting eggs. Just saying.

[A few strokes of the paintbrush later, Bunny holds up an ink illustration that could come right out of a particularly old-fashioned biology textbook. It's certainly different from any botanical illustration Dipper has ever seen, if Dipper has looked at many botanical biopsies of flowers.]

They took ages to engineer, and they don't grow anywhere but in my home, but here y'go. You can keep the original, if you ever want it.

[The kid appreciates science, maybe he's the sort of appreciator of science who can appreciate a one-of-a-kind illustration of a magical plant that only grows in the place where all life on (an) Earth was born.]

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