AUDIO: Whoops.

[kingtyrantranger]

[Whoops. That'd been a thing for a while.

His voice snaps onto the omnicomm, filled with good humor. Jason's still not comfortable with the omnicomm's video function, especially since he's still having to dot his face with anti-fungal cream.]

I'm gonna start this off with a warning. Doublecheck to be sure that the mail you're opening is actually yours. I had to figure that out when I accidentally picked up something meant for Brainiac 5. The good news is that I'm now out of quarantine and the med techs are pretty sure I'm not going to grow any more mushrooms.

Thanks, guys. I don't know if I can look at a pizza the same way again, though.

[He'd spent most of the past few weeks trying to learn the Interlac alphabet on his own, without the earpieces translating for him. Might keep those mix-ups from happening again.

His voice takes on a wry tone, almost apologetic.]

So it sounds like I missed some action and a few new romances. Sorry about that, gang. For the new guys I missed, hey. I'm Jason, from Angel Grove, California, and I don't really do anything exciting. Nice to meet you all.

Comments

[leverageintceo]

Don't be silly, you only get in trouble if you get caught.

[Yes. Yes, it is super illegal. Parker is remarkably blase about it, however.]

I don't know if it's "the best" thing to be doing, but I'm really, really good at it, and there are some people back home who really, really deserve to be tricked into destroying themselves in a fiery conflagration.

[Beat.]

Metaphorically.

[Beat.]

Most of the time.

[kingtyrantranger]

Uh.

[Wow. He's talking to a hardened criminal. Hopefully the Legion already knows about that.]

Do I really want to know if there's exceptions to that?

[leverageintceo]

Well, one time, I was stealing a potato, and the CEO of the company thought that he was going to be framed, so he pressed a button that set the entire freezer on fire and I slid out of there like whoosh, just ahead of the flames. The back of my coat got singed, that's how close it was. And then the CEO got arrested for destroying company property and the potato went back to the girl who invented it.

Or something. I still don't really know what was going on with the whole potato thing.

Sadly, a lot of bad guys seem to prefer paper-shredders to fire for destroying evidence, so I don't have a lot of other fire stories. There probably would have been fire if we hadn't managed to stop that plane from crashing, but do you know how hot jet fuel burns? Over a thousand degrees! Nobody wants to be around for that.

[kingtyrantranger]

...What?

[Jason's feeling like he's way, way in over his head here. That... Honestly sounded too much like something out of an action movie to be real, but he punched monsters on a weekly basis and now they were on an artificial planet with flight rings. So it could be plausible? Kinda?

What did you even say to something like that?]

At... least the potato didn't get fried?

[leverageintceo]

[That is not an uncommon reaction to talking to Parker. There's a reason that her only "normal" friend thinks that she's some kind of secret agent.]

I think it did. Some of it. The part that we didn't cut off with a paper cutter and smuggle out of the building in a kid's phone case.

Nice kid. Kind of mouthy.

[kingtyrantranger]

...

[He'd thought the point was to get the potato back to the kid, but...

Nope. He probably didn't want to ask. She might keep talking, and that was kind of a terrifying prospect.]

It, uh. Does sound kinda cool?

[leverageintceo]

It was so cool. I want a burn room. I'm not sure what I'd put in it, but I want one.

[There's a brief moment of glorious silence. Then:]

Ooh, I haven't introduced myself yet, have I? I'm Parker, most recently from Portland, Oregon, and I do lots of exciting things like jumping off of buildings and getting bad guys humiliated and arrested. It's nice to meet you.

[kingtyrantranger]

Maybe they have a furnace here that you can use?

[He's really, really not sure he wants this lady with easy access to fire, though.]

Nice to meet you too, Ms. Parker. I guess.

[leverageintceo]

I guess. Ooooh, maybe they get rid of their garbage by shooting it into the sun!

And it's Parker. No first or last name. Just Parker.

[kingtyrantranger]

That would be a pretty good way of getting rid of it, I...

[That sound? That's the sound of Jason's dawning horror at the idea that the sun is a great big ball of fire... And he's on a team with the scary pyromaniac. Maybe he'd best not go on any recycling trips with her.]

I get you, Ms. Parker.

[leverageintceo]

No, it's just Parker. I have one name. Like one of those celebrities, except I'm infamous instead of famous.

Don't make it weird, Jason.

[...Yeah. That happened. Those words just came out of this woman's mouth.]

[kingtyrantranger]

What, like Prince or Dio?

[You're no Prince, Parker.]

How am I the one making it weird?

[leverageintceo]

Sure, why not?

[Parker has no idea who he's talking about, but presumably they're also people who use only one name.]

Well, I'm not making it weird. Why are you calling me 'Ms. Parker'?

[kingtyrantranger]

Be...cause you're an adult?

[A scary adult?]

[leverageintceo]

...Huh.

[Silence, as Parker considers this answer for a moment.]

Okay, if it's really important to you to call me 'Ms. Parker', you can, even though it's weird.

[kingtyrantranger]

...Did your parents never tell you to call people that?

[Oh man, don't tell him she's an orphan or something. He'd probably feel way too guilty.]

[leverageintceo]

My...well, the closest thing I have to a father told me to use "sir" and "ma'am", and not to stick around long enough to trade names. My foster parents told me a lot of stuff, but none of it actually useful.

[...Sorry Jason.]

[kingtyrantranger]

[The guilt. Augh.]

Uh.

[He is really not sure how to respond to that. Should he apologize? Would she care? Maybe a subject change?]

Um.

[Fantastic subject change, there.]

[leverageintceo]

You don't have to feel bad about it. I built myself a new family later.

[She sounds completely sincere about that, at least.]

[kingtyrantranger]

[Feel bad? Jason is a teenager! With attitude!

Unfortunately, that attitude is 'huge sap', so.]

Well, that's good. Sounds like a happy ending overall.

...Except for the guy whose office you burned down.

[leverageintceo]

I didn't burn down his office. He burned down his company's vault. I just stole a potato.

For justice.

[kingtyrantranger]

Justice needs its starch, I guess.

[leverageintceo]

...Now I want french fries. Do you want french fries? I can bring you french fries.

[kingtyrantranger]

I haven't had french fries since I got here. Space fries must be awesome. I'd totally be happy to split some fries with you.

[leverageintceo]

Cool. Are you in the medbay still?