thelegion | AUDIO: Whoops.

[Whoops. That'd been a thing for a while.

His voice snaps onto the omnicomm, filled with good humor. Jason's still not comfortable with the omnicomm's video function, especially since he's still having to dot his face with anti-fungal cream.]

I'm gonna start this off with a warning. Doublecheck to be sure that the mail you're opening is actually yours. I had to figure that out when I accidentally picked up something meant for Brainiac 5. The good news is that I'm now out of quarantine and the med techs are pretty sure I'm not going to grow any more mushrooms.

Thanks, guys. I don't know if I can look at a pizza the same way again, though.

[He'd spent most of the past few weeks trying to learn the Interlac alphabet on his own, without the earpieces translating for him. Might keep those mix-ups from happening again.

His voice takes on a wry tone, almost apologetic.]

So it sounds like I missed some action and a few new romances. Sorry about that, gang. For the new guys I missed, hey. I'm Jason, from Angel Grove, California, and I don't really do anything exciting. Nice to meet you all.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

...Now I want french fries. Do you want french fries? I can bring you french fries.

I haven't had french fries since I got here. Space fries must be awesome. I'd totally be happy to split some fries with you.

Cool. Are you in the medbay still?

Yeah.

[Aw, man. That's going to take the wind out of his sails a bit.]

I hope they don't have to decontaminate it before I get to them.

It'll be fine, I can come through the ventilation shaft.

[Doors? Proper protocol? Pffft. There are fries to be shared!]

That seems like an awful lot of work just to deliver some fries!

Not really. I spend a lot of time in the ventilation shafts anyway.

I tried crawling in ventilation shafts, once. They're a lot smaller than in the movies.

Some are more spacious than others. Depends on the structure and where the shafts in question are supposed to go, really.

What's annoying is when people put laser tripwires in there. You'd think that they'd have rats or birds setting them off all the time...

Maybe they have grates and stuff to keep nosy things out of places they don't belong?

Rats and birds are surprisingly enterprising. There's a reason I've only encountered that problem once.

You probably had some mirrors to take care of that, though, right?

[He's no crook, but he's seen enough spy movies to know that you could always handle a laser tripwire trap with a few mirrors to redirect everything.]

Not that time. I wasn't expecting lasers in the ventilation shaft, and it's generally a good idea to limit the amount of stuff you're carrying to what you know you'll need rather than what you might need.

I once used tinfoil to foil -- ha! -- a laser protection grid, though. Stole an eight million dollar statue with the stuff we found on the buffet table. Felt pretty good.

[He's going to be a criminal by the time this conversation is over. He just knows it. Time to shift back to something that involves less learning about how being an international superthief works and more along the lines of comfort food.]

Either way, it's probably best just to let them pass the fries through the quarantine. I'd feel guilty if you popped in, then started sprouting mushrooms. It's no fun.

I guess that makes sense. Mushrooms that grow on people are probably not good for eating anyway. It might technically be cannibalism.

Okay, I'll bring you the fries through quarantine instead of the ventilation shafts.

Either way, I'm not sure I want parts of me going into people's mouths. Besides, what if the mushrooms tried to grow inside of you?

[Talk about gross.]

Sorry to be such a pain about that.

Well, I wouldn't eat mushrooms that grew on a person raw. Obviously.

Meh. It's not that fun to sneak by the medical staff here anyway. I've done it before.

This is one point where cooking it might not make things better!

[Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask...]

...Was some guy holding a potato with a cure for the common cold hostage or something?

Bringing us back around to cannibalism. Which is probably even more frowned upon in this day and age, considering that this is the vegan spacefuture. I wonder if there are plant aliens?

[Parker looks confused and shakes her head.]

It was only the one potato. I've stolen more mountains than potatoes.

And I sneaked out of the medical facilities when I got here. I thought it was some weird sting operation, so I smiled and nodded and pretended everything was fine and ran off into the ventilation system the first opportunity I had.

The Coluans aren't plant people? I always thought that since, y'know... Green and all.

[Made sense to him. Oh well.]

How do you even steal a mountain? A pebble at a time?

Funny how often smiling and nodding works to get you out of trouble. It's like people expect things to be fine when everyone's friendly.

I'm pretty sure Coluans meat-based, but I can ask Brainy.

[Parker shrugs.]

The first time, we were technically stealing a mountain resort so we could steal a company that was stealing houses from people. The second time, we were actually trying to find a dead man who'd gone missing on the mountain the year before.

[Parker frowns more heavily and swallows hard.]

He -- Mr. Free -- his boss murdered him by cutting his climbing rope and leaving him to die. He left a message on his phone for his wife and we managed to get it back to her, even if we couldn't bring him back, too.

AUDIO: Whoops.

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