thelegion | (no subject)

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[There's no getting around it. It's an essay. About the dangers of sugar abuse on your health, linked to several medical articles. In it, she links the abuse of sugar to depression, diabetes, dopamine imbalances, fueling cancer cells and making tumors more aggressive, impotence, increased risk of heart attacks and heart disease, increased inflammation leading to joint pain and arthritis, increased risk of strokes, kidney failure, and rotting teeth.

Included in her essay is a list of signs of sugar abuse, including false teeth, rotten teeth, pupil dilation, jitteriness, mid-afternoon 'crashes', and other symptoms.

She wraps up with a plea for people to seek help and rehabilitation for their addictions and avoid anyone who might try to push such addictive substances on them.]

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I don't know buddy, consider your sources here. Do you think Wash wants your business in top form? Or is it easier on him if you're down a few pegs?

Wait, do you mean my business business, or just all of my badassery? Because if Wash wants anything about my business business then I'm both confused and afraid.

[Oh well, so much for keeping his shit-stirring subtle. Still worth it.]

I'm asking you to consider whether Wash's life is actually easier if your junk is out of commission, Tucker.

Everyone's life would be. Who could compete with all this?

[God, don't answer that.]

So that's why Wash was always yelling at me to stop sleeping naked.

-oh my god. Tucker.

[The chortling doesn't even take effort. Tucker's borderline meltdown is great.]

I did not think you would actually buy that. 'My CO is trying to sabotage my penis'? Seriously?

[The joys of Sim Troopers, right?]

Look, we've been through some shit, crazy ass weird shit, so a CO trying to sabotage my penis isn't as weird as you think it is.

But...

[Fuck.]

Wash is my friend. I trust him. I know he wouldn't want to hurt me - unless after-lap leg cramps count - but would he want to tame this beast so I focus more on shit? Maybe. Probably.

Private

And it's funny as hell to watch him sputter and try to explain why he's not intimidated by my mighty python.

North? I know you have no way of knowing this, but I busted my ass for months trying to get my team to a place where they could handle themselves if anything happened to me.

You want to be funny, fine, I get it. Just don't undermine that aspect of things. I'm already going to have to get Tucker back to normal when America's done fucking with him, and that's going to be a hell of a lot harder if he doesn't trust me.

[Not that he thinks Tucker will throw away the deeper levels of their trust that easily, but he's pretty damn volatile where his dick is concerned and damn if surface damage isn't hard to work past.]

Wait.

You actually think I can convince him that you're in on a conspiracy to sabotage his dick.

[What the hell is your team, Wash.]

On some level, yes. Not enough to fuck up field operations, but enough to make everything else a lot more difficult.

Look, I already have to clean up the mess America's making. Please don't make this any harder on me.

[On one hand, Tucker is absolutely hilarious right now, spinning into a frenzy in a way that lights up every single one of North's prank-focused prey drives.

On the other... there's mostly some nagging sense of decency. Equal parts "he worked hard to make this for himself" and "god's sake that's right he's working with sim troopers" and "he deserves a team that isn't a complete shitshow I guess," with just a dash of "Theta's watching, don't be an asshole about it."

He gives a slow, rueful sigh, leaning back heavily in his seat.]

Yeah, all right. I'll roll it back as much as I can.

Thank you.

[It's a pretty big concession on North's part - Wash knows just how difficult it is to get him off the hunt when there's potential for pranks in the future - and it deserves some explanation.]

Look, we've both recently worked with someone who earned our trust, and it turns out not only was he working against us, but he wanted us dead the whole time. Make fun of Tucker all you want - that's fine. Just...don't fuck with the trust issues.

-damn.

[Point taken, then. Nice to know the future isn't any less full of crazy nonsense than the present.]

Any other landmines I should try not stomping on while I'm out here?

Yeah.

[Much as Wash hates it, a lot of things eventually come back to Felix.]

Not really? I mean, as long as you don't go after his son, but...

[He shrugs. That's a low blow even for them, and he's pretty sure it wasn't on the table for North to begin with.]

[He's going to pull a face that Wash even thought he had to tell him that.]

Wash, I said landmines, not 'obvious ways to start a fight with basically anyone.'

We're having this conversation because America convinced Tucker that sugar makes him impotent. I'm not ruling anything out.

[This is his life. This has been his life for the past several years.]

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