Tinker, Tailor, Hero, Spy [Modplot/Network IC Post] [Part 2] [Set after the ambush ends]

[legionnpcs]

[Things are not good -- and that's the understatement of the century. Just about everyone got walloped and the native Legionnaires were at the epicenter of that collective wumping, targeted first by the Fatal Five in the hopes that with them out of the way the rookies would be easy to pick off.]

[Thankfully, the Fatal Five were wrong. The rookies took their lumps but they held their ground.]

Matter-Eater Lad here.

[His glasses only partly hide the massive shiner he's got, and he's wearing a neck brace. Hooray. Fortunately, those are much less bulky in the glorious robot future.]

Alright, ladies and gents and variations thereupon, I think it goes without saying that what just happened was the pits. Right now, half of us more experienced Legionnaires are in Medbay and Kid Q is still trapped in a time loop, even if we've managed to relocate her to Legion World. Brainiac thinks he can fix it but he's still a mess because his personality inhibitors got blown and he has to fix those first before he can even hope to think straight again.

Everyone's respective boo boos aren't the only thing we have to worry about though. The Fatal Five knowing all our weaknesses, and some of what they said, suggested there's a mole on Legion World passing them private medical scans and tactical data. Since the Science Police had jurisdiction, they've already arrested a suspect.

[He tilts his omnicom and they can see that the Science Police are in the background, arguing viciously with Timber Wolf, Officer Erin, and Umbra, and trying to drag away a handcuffed Rocket, who's wasting no time in arguing with them, too.]

["Hey! Hey, watch the sui--what do you mean, hand over my gun? That's my gun! I mean, I got more, but it's my gun! I told you, I ain't a spy! Or a mole, or whatever stupid word you wanna use! I didn't do it!" A pause. "Do I look like a sp--yes, I know spies don't look like spies, that's whole point, but you know what I mean!"]

[Back on Tenzil's face again.]

It's totally bogus. The only evidence against Rocket they have is all digital sign-ins and video, which is so easy to doctor in this time period that a Terellian spongebeast could do it. No physical evidence or witnesses. No prints or DNA at the console he was supposedly accessing the data from. But they're not listening to us.

[Rocket has not stopped arguing in the background. "You're all assholes. Complete friggin' assholes. Have I told you that? 'Cause I feel like I should. Shouldn't you be out policing science, instead of arresting people who didn't do anything?"]

[Tenzil lowers his voice.] Which means we're gonna have to take a few things into our own hands.

[The last thing they hear from Rocket as he's dragged off is: "--and somebody remember to go water the plants while I'm dealing with this shit! I come back and they're all dead, somebody's gonna get their ass shot, then bit by a flytrap!"]

[Tenzil goes into the Legion Leader's office for more privacy.]

The chances of any of you rookies wanting to take down the entire Legion, when it means Chronoblivion would make the multiverse go kaput, are slim. We think Rocket's innocent -- and if he's not, there needs be evidence that's a whole lot more reliable before charges are brought.

Kid Q's out of the loop -- stuck in the loop as it were -- so as Deputy Leader, I'm taking charge. While the rest of us are licking our wounds, I'm organizing a team from the Legionnaires that are still standing to investigate. It'll be a private affair. No reason the Science Police need to worry their pretty little heads over any possible investigations that might be running side-by-side with their own, right?

Some good news, by the by: other than 4 Science Police officers that went down in the first blast, we had no other fatal casualties. All the delegates survived, all but the 4 Scicops made it, there were no fatalities in the crowd, and even with taking our lumps we didn't lose any teammates. The Fatal Five had everything they needed to turn the attack into a massacre that could've destroyed two governments, and taken out the entire team. You did good.

Oh, and since we have some new people with absolutely impeccable timing, welcome to the Legion. Don't mind our dust. Or the multitudinous catastrophic injuries. If you have any general questions that aren't just "Why is absolutely everyone injured?" feel free to ask.

Comments

[walkingballpit]

I dropped some tofurkey when I saw that. Should I leave it there in case you want to kick something else when it's down, or are you done here?

[ Regardless of the reason why, Brainiac is obviously dealing with some crap, and Robbie thinks Grif is piling more on because he, too, blames Brainiac. He's a little peeved to get a live feed of an example. ]

Besides, some of my best friends are twelfth level nerds.

[googledox]

It's quite alright. Grif has difficulties relating to others with sincerity, so he attempts to defuse tension and improve the mood of his friends and acquaintances with humor that's not actually that humorous.

[Brainy looks slightly moved that Robbie would try to defend him, though.]

However, your concern is appreciated, albeit misplaced.

[whyarewehere]

It was a good joke and you know it.

[ Just gonna zero in on the clearly important thing here and try to breeze past the Grif-is-trying-to-help bit.

Because he is trying to help, but dammit Brainy you don't gotta go telling people that. Shit's embarrassing. ]

[googledox]

[Brainy breaks off from working on his inhibitor and makes a fifty-fifty gesture with his hand and answers with a very erudite, intelligent-sounding --]

Meh.

[whyarewehere]

[ Grif puts a hand to his chest, taken aback. ]

That's all I get? Meh?

And I thought you guys wanted me to start putting effort into things.

[walkingballpit]

[ Aw, come on. It's not fair to grab him by the hair and make him relate to everyone... dammit, now he feels for Grif too. Robbie is going to go to the mess hall and find out how the future has managed to ruin hot cocoa. ]

My flea circus brain disagrees. Maybe things get lost in a brain as big as yours.

[ But he's got a small smile on his face, and Robbie's tone is nothing but kindness. ]

... thanks for reminding me he's a person, too.

[googledox]

You're certainly welcome.

[A pause, then a small smile of his own.]

Though I should perhaps caution you about the fact that his being a person doesn't preclude him from occasionally being a sprocking nasshead. It's just not this particular instance that you need be concerned about.

[walkingballpit]

Sprocking nasshead, huh? So much for your fancy technical terms.

[ Brainiac is aptly named, after all. His vocabulary is very precise. ]

I like it. I'll remember that one the next time I need a new Buckethead.

[googledox]

If you'd like to learn a full range of offensive language, talk to Timber Wolf. Alongside the common Interlac expletives, he's well-educated in the foul-mouthed, multilingual parlance used by Rimborian street gangs.

[A pause.]

The Legion considers proper cursing to be an imperative superheroing skill.

[Really, they are pretty foul-mouthed for a superteam. It's sprock this, frak that.]

[walkingballpit]

Are you kidding me?

Back home, it's sort of frowned upon. There are higher standards if you want to be a superhero instead of a vigilante. No cursing allowed - you have to be a good role model for the kids. I don't curse much. The last thing I need is some cellphone video of me dropping f-bombs to go viral.

[ Robbie thinks he hasn't stocked up enough good will to survive a hit to his image, however minor. ]

Do I lose my L-card if I don't learn how to get down and dirty in Rimborian?

Sent from my iPhone

[whyarewehere]

I don't have to take this abuse!

[ His feelings dude, they're super duper hurt. ]

[googledox]

It's hardly abuse.

I did say he didn't have to worry about this particular instance, since you were attempting to be sociable and making an entirely innocent attempt to try to amuse a teammate.

[A pause.]

An attempt that was genuinely appreciated.

[whyarewehere]

Okay well. Good.

[ Friendship is really hard and he's not good at it. This is so embarrassing. ]

And I guess while I'm talking to you I wanted to let you know I figured the thing out and you're an asshole.

[ He's talking about the plaque, and just completely failing at providing relevant details. ]

[sir_vancelot]

Like Brainy says. Grif's an asshole, but he's our asshole.

Think certain members of the team back in the first couple of missions.

[Yes, Rich. He's comparing Grif to you back in the early days of the Warriors.]

[walkingballpit]

[ ... no, Robbie isn't ready to start sharing the word our with more people yet. He's fine with joining a second squad, but "our asshole" is a commitment. Also, the role is filled by Spiderphobia. ]

Only the first few missions?

[ None of this means he'll pass by the opportunity to tease Nova, although it occurs to him that Vance could mean Dwayne. No, he didn't. Vance never brings them up. ]

I'm still waiting for him to relapse.

[sir_vancelot]

[Vance has had more time to acclimate. And, despite what he may say sometimes, he's more of a team player than he wants to think he is. Especially when shit is falling apart.]

Well. He grew out of it. Mostly.

Never know, though. There could be a relapse.

[walkingballpit]

[ Vance is and has always been a team player, in Robbie's estimation. Maybe he believes in solo responsibility on top of that, but Rob has no question about his friend's similar need for a team behind him. Robbie thinks it's helped them both to be a part of a whole again. ]

We should go on around-the-clock shifts. Keep him away from Coney Island dogs, Italian girls, Bud Light... what else is over-the-top Long Island 20-year-old? We'll take away all his triggers.

[headinjuries]

No, no, I want to see this.

[ Not that Rich has been shy about telling Sam about his asshole days, but it seems so far off that it's hard to compute. Seeing is believing...! ]

[whyarewehere]

[ Grif was preparing to dig this hole deeper because if there's anything Grif loves it's a pointless comms fight, but Brainy and Vance took the wind out of that sail. It's also jarred him enough to remind him that just maybe he should be behaving a little bit better toward (relative) strangers on the comms, given the whole being-beaten-up-by-furries-and-then-put-in-time-out incident.

So he just sighs and rolls his eyes. ]

What they're trying to say is that I'm hilarious and they like my nerd jokes.

[headinjuries]

Well, it does take one to know one.

[ don't be leaving yourself out of the nerdbucket here, grif ]

[whyarewehere]

You stop helping.

[walkingballpit]

[ Meanwhile, Robbie was ready to go down with the ship over leaving someone to struggle in peace - he's still ready to tie himself to the mizzenmast.

But out of deference to Brainiac and Vance, he's standing down. ]

No, I definitely heard the word asshole. And the joke was a three. Like it's the douchebro check joke, while you're felling out the audience.

No one's laughing.

[ That is total standing down ]

[whyarewehere]

[ Grif pauses, sizes this situation up, and arrives at a clearly great decision. ]

Well then I obviously need to make more jokes.

[ The flippancy dial is up to eleven. ]

[walkingballpit]

Then obviously I need to invest in a giant hook and a quick drop curtain.

[ Because screw you, there's a time and a place. This is neither. ]

[whyarewehere]

Do it. Everything around here is so serious sometimes.

[ Grif shudders. ]

Unless you just want the job entirely, it's a lot of work.