Video

[lovernotafighter]

[This day had to come eventually, didn't it? Just another one of those damn Blood Gulch Sim Troops arriving here to crash the party, and predictability a little late like always. But hey, it wasn't like he hadn't been busy saving a planet or being blissfully retired or anything equally as important. Nope.

The video shifted a little as Tucker tried to set it upright, but it soon found itself quickly propped at an angle that said this wasn't his first time recording himself; the purpose of such skills would be left up to the viewer to guess at their own discretion. But hey, have Tucker with that beautiful aqua colored armor looking right back at you, even as he sat back down and tried to appear relaxed, cool, okay with ...well, all this. All this.

Ladies in hot tight superhero outfits definitely helped.]

So, yeah, Tucker here. [It felt like an interview with Dylan. Good thing talking about himself was one of his favorite things to do.] Please try to contain your applause, but ladies, feel free to toss your bras in my general direction.

[No shame, this one.]

You know, I was kind of busy back home. [With Church shit. It was always Church shit, and there wasn't a single damn regret for it; in a way, he hoped it kept being Church shit because that meant that bastard was still around. Tucker wanted to be back there, needed to be back there because--] Those idiots - my idiots - have no one to lead them now unless you count Sarge and no one counts Sarge. Shit, I don't even think the Reds count Sarge. Okay, so maybe Simmons does, but whatever.

[He sighed, rubbing his hand over his helmet before he just waved his hand.] But cool, superpowers, am I right? I mean, if I was getting chicks before, I'm getting triple chicks now.

[Let the record show that he was not, in fact, getting ladies before, and that the triple of "zero" is still "zero".]

Look, I just want to get this shit done and over with so I can get back to being a badass back home and get my shit done. So, you know, I'll do what I have to, I guess.

[There's a sigh, that burden of few choices and responsibility - ew - before he cocked is head up.]

Hey, important final question: where do all the hotties hang out around here? There's the title of wingman up for grabs if you tell me.

[At least the video ends there, and everyone was probably better for it.]

Comments

[lovernotafighter]

[Okay, Tucker was going to call it as he saw it.

First off, she was blue. Awesome. Not the perfect shade of blue, but close enough. Were all the good programs blue? Felt like it.

Second, she was hot. Like, fucking hot hot. How did anyone get any work done with her around, seriously?

Third? Well--]

Orange idiot? Oh, I like you already.

[See? She's got taste.]

[steelandtemper]

Well, I am pretty great.

[Cortana does like being told she's awesome, but it would have worked better if Tucker weren't busy being so extremely Tucker all over the rest of the post.]

[lovernotafighter]

[Tucker wouldn't be Tucker if he wasn't like this. How boring would that be? He'll grow on you, like barnacle or a rash that needs the heavy-duty antibiotic cream.]

What else did he say about me?

...also, anyone call dibs on you yet?

[Please don't kill him, Master Chief.]

[steelandtemper]

"Dibs?"

[Aw naw you didn't. Cortana's tone could snap-freeze boiling water. Smart AIs do not like being treated like objects.]

My partner is Master Chief Petty Officer SPARTAN-117.

[lovernotafighter]

[Crap. Pissed off the glowing blue chick, and he had a feeling that wasn't good, not with that tone.]

Okay, but let's say you guys break up and you're totally interested in hanging out with another guy. Can I call second-dibs?

[He sighed a little.] I could really use it. The last blue person that hung around me was a real cockbite. [And his best friend. But that's neither here nor there.]

[steelandtemper]

[He does not seem to have gotten the point, so Cortana spells it out.]

I am not a thing that you can claim.

[Not even touching the "break up" part of that.]

[lovernotafighter]

[There was a confused blink behind the visor and--]

Whoa, wait, no. No. It's not like that!

[Because no way, he didn't want to own her, not unless she was into that. Which, another conversation for another day. ]

I'm just calling dibs to be the first one to ask you out.

[And maybe get you on Blue Team. Even though it sounds like you already have a Blue Team, one that probably a little more restrictive and a little less sexy, but...well, way more effective. If that's your thing.]

We used to call "dibs" on all the Freelancers and, well, everything.

[whyarewehere]

It's true. Why do you think me and Wash know the International Dibs Protocol?

[ He may be semi-mostly pissed off at Tucker, but Tucker is still a Blood Gulch trooper. Even if Grif is missing several years of nonsense-endurance with Tucker that would make them better friends, he still naturally moves to back the guy up on a note like this. Tucker's still just that one asshole Blue with the alien problems and the sword, but he's also still one of Grif's people. ]

[steelandtemper]

Did you think this would actually help?

[Grif backing anyone up can only lower Cortana's opinion of the person in question.]

[whyarewehere]

Honestly, I don't care too much if it doesn't.

[steelandtemper]

[Her expression shifts from cold contempt to tired disgust. It's not really an improvement for Tucker.]

Even if you had a chance in hell [she thinks the "which you don't" part goes without saying] you're way too late to be the first.

[York already proposed. Also she was briefly engaged to North and another person with a location name (but not a Freelancer) because Legion Mission Reasons.]

[lovernotafighter]

[It's a slight improvement? A little? Look, he would take what he could get, and he tired disgust was what he was used to from women. ...And AI, too, now that he thought about it.]

Okay, but did you say yes to any of them? What kind of chances do I have here?

[Mathematically-nerd speaking.]

[steelandtemper]

[Mathematically nerd speaking, Cortana would be shocked if Tucker passed high school math with anything better than a C.]

Expect to see proton decay first.

[It's a theoretical state of radioactive decay that is hypothesized to begin occurring no sooner than 10³¹ years after the particle in question formed, which is about a trillion times as old as the universe is now.

Because Cortana can't just say "zero percent."]

[lovernotafighter]

...So, soon?

[Did he look like he understood the significance or the meaning behind that? No. No, of course he didn't.

But a guy could be optimistic, right?]

[steelandtemper]

[Tucker doesn't look like anything! He's just a bobbing helmet...but Cortana is very good at armored body language.]

No.

[lovernotafighter]

[If anyone could read that language, it was her. Note, however, that it wasn't exactly defeated.]

But it's not a never, so I've still got a shot.

[Someone was very secure in his Casanova skills. Hey, everyone should have at least one thing they're confident in, after all.]

[steelandtemper]

"Desperate" is not a good look on anyone, soldier.

[Seriously this is verging into "pathetic" and one thing you don't want to do in front of Cortana is show weakness.]

[prettycoolguy]

[ At the same time as Cortana's reply: ]

Dibs.

[ Hi Tucker. He's picked up maybe three Red and Blue cultural touchstones through osmosis here. ]

[lovernotafighter]

Dammit!

[Too slow. He knew he should have asked it under a filter.]

private

[steelandtemper]

You traitor.

[Stop encouraging them!]

private

[prettycoolguy]

It's how they communicate.

[ It's like negotiating with Sangheili. Or something. Kind of probably. ]

private

[steelandtemper]

I am not a thing.

[She's mad at Tucker, not the Chief, of course.]

Besides, I already called dibs on you.

private

[prettycoolguy]

Want me to handle it?

[ It seems like she has the situation under control herself, but if Cortana would like him to go loom menacingly on her behalf? He wouldn't be above enjoying it a bit. He's about as impressed with this new trooper as he is with Grif, which is not at all.

As for Cortana's dibs on him, he doesn't contest it. He saw, he knows, and even if he hadn't seen the moment she chose him they've been through hell and back enough for it to count.

There's still something gratifying about having a record of being Cortana's first pick from day one, though. ]

private

[steelandtemper]

[Though she's still annoyed, Cortana waves off the offer.]

He's harmless. I know you like overkill, but you're better than those idiots deserve.

[She'll only deploy the Chief to go silently threaten people who might actually learn something from it.]

But if you ever convince him to put his money where his mouth is with that plasma sword, I'll make sure all two seconds of you sending him flying goes viral.

[She knows it's not happening because of the Chief's utter glacial calm, but a girl can fantasize.]

private

[prettycoolguy]

[ John doesn't say anything else, but Cortana can still read the neural signals clear as day as his face pulls into a little smile.

He loves you too, best friend. ]