thelegion | Video

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[This day had to come eventually, didn't it? Just another one of those damn Blood Gulch Sim Troops arriving here to crash the party, and predictability a little late like always. But hey, it wasn't like he hadn't been busy saving a planet or being blissfully retired or anything equally as important. Nope.

The video shifted a little as Tucker tried to set it upright, but it soon found itself quickly propped at an angle that said this wasn't his first time recording himself; the purpose of such skills would be left up to the viewer to guess at their own discretion. But hey, have Tucker with that beautiful aqua colored armor looking right back at you, even as he sat back down and tried to appear relaxed, cool, okay with ...well, all this. All this.

Ladies in hot tight superhero outfits definitely helped.]

So, yeah, Tucker here. [It felt like an interview with Dylan. Good thing talking about himself was one of his favorite things to do.] Please try to contain your applause, but ladies, feel free to toss your bras in my general direction.

[No shame, this one.]

You know, I was kind of busy back home. [With Church shit. It was always Church shit, and there wasn't a single damn regret for it; in a way, he hoped it kept being Church shit because that meant that bastard was still around. Tucker wanted to be back there, needed to be back there because--] Those idiots - my idiots - have no one to lead them now unless you count Sarge and no one counts Sarge. Shit, I don't even think the Reds count Sarge. Okay, so maybe Simmons does, but whatever.

[He sighed, rubbing his hand over his helmet before he just waved his hand.] But cool, superpowers, am I right? I mean, if I was getting chicks before, I'm getting triple chicks now.

[Let the record show that he was not, in fact, getting ladies before, and that the triple of "zero" is still "zero".]

Look, I just want to get this shit done and over with so I can get back to being a badass back home and get my shit done. So, you know, I'll do what I have to, I guess.

[There's a sigh, that burden of few choices and responsibility - ew - before he cocked is head up.]

Hey, important final question: where do all the hotties hang out around here? There's the title of wingman up for grabs if you tell me.

[At least the video ends there, and everyone was probably better for it.]

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[He'll take it.

Tucker smirked and brought out his sword and with a single minor movement of his wrist, let it power up. The blue light brightened the room a little, reflecting slightly off his armor.]

Um, just the most badass sword in the galaxy. Chicks dig war heroes, you know, and if you have a big sword, it means you have a big sword. Get it? Bow chicka bow wow.

Besides, I'm a single parent of the cutest kid who's working on his basketball scholarship, and ladies love a guy who cares about his kid. Makes them think we're good nurturers or something. [And while he wasn't adverse to admitting it, Tucker did love his son more than anything else in the world. He just didn't shout it from rooftops.]

And I'm a total hit with chicks. Ask anyone.

I've already got a war hero, and he's got the Force, a scar, and a helmet.

[ Robbie rubs his chin thoughtfully. ]

Most of the Legion Lovers think he has a kid, too. I should totes be watching him cause he's probably keeping all the cute ones numbers. Never trust a dude with puppy dog eyes.

You can go ahead and call the Nova Force "The Force" from now on. Kinda like getting to pretend I'm a Jedi.

Nerd.

[Rich does the Jedi mind trick handwave.]

You will accept that you have a place waiting for you in nerd hell right along with the rest of us.

[Another wave.]

Also, you'll clean your room before the flesh-eating mega-bacteria inside escape and doom us all.

You'll never take me alive. On either front. Don't even try, Rich.

[ He's playing, really he is, but he's folded his arms in an effort to project total seriousness. ]

Technically speaking, nerd hell would come after you were dead anyway.

So it's a good thing I'm planning on not dying.
Novel concept in the superhero business, I know, but I'm an innovator.

"Kinda"? Kinda?!

Okay, maybe it's not as tuned a metaphor as with telekinesis, but if I were you, I'd feel like a Jedi every day.

[ The tiniest beat. ]

Vance isn't cool enough to be a Jedi, so we're going to pretend I never implied that.

I could totally rock one of those robes, though.

You liked really liked the no pants freedom if the loincloth a little too much. I can see the headlines now. Justice gets new uniform: the cause of just ass is not served.

Most of them wore pants, I'm pretty sure. Tunic, pants, robe. Lots of layers.

And Robbie, that was terrible. Stop giving the anons ammunition.

Uh-huh. You said "robes." You did not say the rest of the costume.

A, the anons aren't here, and B, you've been punning like crazy yourself lately. Let him stew in it. It's time to face Justice. I have to go for the low-hanging fruit, or you're going to muscle into my turf.

It's all part of the same costume.

A - The anons are everywhere. Somehow. And B - In my defense on the second one, I HAD just pulled myself out of being buried beneath Mount Everest. And you deserved the stewing pun thanks to all the meat puns.

Yeah, but you didn't say costume -

[ Robbie stops, realizing that he is now nitpicking in the face of being outclassed. ]

I got nothing. You were badass that day.

[Sawtooth understands weapons. Sawtooth does not understand innuendo. Sawtooth is curious.]

What if instead of a sword, it's a trident?

[Oh, Sawtooth. Tucker will teach you all about innuendo, really fast.]

Then that’s some freaky alien stuff right there, but I think I watched something like that once. It was pretty awesome.

[Oh, how little Tucker understands.]

[He feels as though he ought to take umbrage at that - "freaky alien stuff" indeed - but Tucker is new here too, and there's no use in starting a fight. Perhaps it's just an error in communication.]

No, I mean-

[He props up his omnicomm and backs up, leaving plenty of space, then launches himself into the air, does a backflip, and transforms into a trident. He lands, balancing perfectly on the tip of his handle, fifteen feet from tip to tip and almost too long to fit in frame.]

Like this.

[Look, he meant the "freaky alien stuff" in the best of ways! He just...watched a lot of porn, and you see a lot. Too much. The real weird stuff sometimes when he got curious.

Besides, his kid was an alien and they were diplomats, so he meant it with affection. Mostly. As much affection as Tucker meant anything, which wasn't that much.

But then this guy did that. Did that. Turned into a damn weapon, an impressively tall trident that made his sword(s) feel small in comparison. Goddamn, so this was what size envy was like? What a bitter, crappy feeling.]

You know, I don't think I want to know what you're packing, otherwise I'm just going to feel worse about myself. Fuck, and here I thought nothing beat my sword.

[This conversation was only ever tenuously making sense, and now it's stopped completely. Sawtooth doesn't need to pack anything - he is a weapon, even if he doesn't like phrasing it that way. He flips again, transforming back to his normal form, and gives Tucker a confused look.]

But I'm not the same as your sword. There isn't a comparison.

[Unless Tucker's sword is sentient, in which case Sawtooth is staying far away from Tucker from here on in because let's not use sentient beings as tools, okay]

[Well, there was Andy the Bomb...]

Yeah, my sword starts up alien temples. I'm pretty sure your -um, you - the trident doesn't do that.

[But he was curious, very curious, because logistically, it didn't seem possible. There were so many unanswered questions and--]

Okay, wait, so does someone have to wield you? Is that how it works?

I can't say I've had the opportunity.

[He's being a little arch, true, but it's not like the situation doesn't allow for it.]

Essentially, yes, though with my flight ring I might be able to wield myself.

[He's not entirely sure he wants to tell Tucker about the power boost. Not yet.]

Dude, you don't know what you're missing, then. You'd be surprised over what can happen with the right Temple-Key combination.

[Let's just not focus on the Purge Temple. Planetary genocide tended to be a downer.]

You haven't tried? [There was a pause, as the birth of a very, very important question meticulously being forme-]

So, wait: when people touch trident-you, are they touching all of you? Do we need to watch where we put our hands? Can you feel it?

I'll pass.

[That's exactly what he needs - another function grafted on, another reason for a power-hungry war criminal to pursue him to the ends of the universe. No, thank you.]

[He tilts his head a bit. What an odd series of questions.]

Yes it's all of me, yes I can feel it, and you probably shouldn't touch my prongs because they're sharp. It's best to hold my shaft.

[Nope. No. It's too easy. It's way too easy, it's right fucking there and--]

Yeah, I'm sure you do like people holding your shaft. Bow chicka bow wow.

[He seriously wasn't going to say it, but come on, what did you expect?

He was still snickering, even as he shook his head and wondered how anyone could walk into something that easily.] Is holding your shaft like really holding your shaft?

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