World's Okayest Dad | Video

[lovernotafighter]

[Tucker looked...well, it was hard to tell because his helmet's on, but there was something annoyed in his movements. Behind him was a room that seemed mostly barren and militaristic aside from the tossed about mess, a room that might seem familiar to his Chorus friends really, and the camera shook a little as he plucked something off a wall. It was turned over in his hand before he pointed it at the camera. A photograph, one with five human kids holding basketballs, and one that's...a little different.]

Since someone brought it up and now we're talking about it, yeah, I've got a kid. His name is Junior and he's amazing and I'm super freakin' proud of him. He can kick anyone's ass in basketball, is a freaking diplomat and on a scholarship, he knows at least ten different words for "dick", and he hasn't bitten a person in at least three months. He got a ribbon at school for that one.

[He pulled the picture back and put it on the wall again; there was one in his wallet, too. He was, in some few and far between ways, like every other dad out there, just with better jokes.]

He's the best goddamn thing about being a Chosen One. [There was a momentary pause, because--]...Okay, so maybe he's tied with the sword.

Don't ask specifics. Just know that childbirth sucks, I don't want to talk about that, but I'll tell you how damn amazing my son is if you want to listen. And I know I'm not the only one with weird families, so come on and spill it.

Comments

[thedreamisdead]

I don't know. Aliens impregnating humans, regardless of gender? Reminds me of the Incubus.

[steelandtemper]

That's a Sangheili! They're not interfertile with humans and no human, much less an anatomically male one, could carry a theoretical pregnancy to term! They're not even viviparous!

[This is it, this is what sends Cortana rampant.]

[thedreamisdead]

You don't need to change that much of a male's anatomy in order to get him to carry a pregnancy to term, from what I understand. It's a relatively common procedure.

That other part's an issue, though. What, do they hatch from eggs?

[steelandtemper]

Yes! They're oviparous! And they have different oxygen transport pathways!

[Among a zillion other things.]

[thedreamisdead]

Could it just be something that looks like them? Same way some of these aliens look human?

[steelandtemper]

That is slightly more plausible.

[Heavy emphasis on "slightly".]

[lovernotafighter]

Incubus? Aren't those the sexy devil things that college chicks dress up as for Halloween and free drinks?

[That's a succubus, Tucker. And no. No.]

[thedreamisdead]

Sort of. The mythological succubus disguises herself as a beautiful woman and seduces men to have sex with them. They steal their seed and turn into an incubus, a handsome male demon that uses the seed to impregnate women with demon babies. Then it turns back into a succubus and, well. It's a cycle.

[Hope that doesn't ruin it for you, Tucker. Then again, you're supposed to be from the future, a more enlightened time.]

The alien Incubus is relatively rare. Some popped up on Earth I think about... thirteen? Maybe fourteen years ago? Seven or eight feet tall, looked like an insect, elongated head, bled acid. Had a larval form that latched onto your face and impregnated you with a baby that would eat its way out in a few hours. Pretty memorable.

[lovernotafighter]

[Please, takes a little more than some sexy genitalia-switching demon to ruin shit for him. Sounds like the perfect balance between both worlds, so sign him up! Like, now.

It's...just the second part that ruined it. The little glint in his eyes turned into horror because...giant bugs that bled acid and ate your face off? What the Lovecraftian Creep Show did these people come from!? What monster thought this shit up?]

Okay, so going to have fucking nightmares tonight, thanks for that. [Ugh. Shivers.] Like, that was a thing that happened? Seriously?