[video] Bring on the Star Fox jokes...

[thethinzooline]

[There's a fox on the screen. A humanoid fox, sitting in his hospital bed, still wearing his patient hospital scrubs.]

[He's wearing sunglasses (indoors) and has a very flat expression on his face, as if he is unimpressed by space, aliens, randomly having superpowers, and being conscripted into a superhero team. It's highly likely that if he had access to a latte somehow, he'd probably be sitting there and nonchalantly sipping it.]

Apparently, I'm a superhero now. Also apparently I'm part of a team, so I figured I'd introduce myself.

Nick Wilde, formerly (though still technically) officer of the Zootopia Police Department.

Hi.

I'm here with my partner, Judy. If you haven't met her yet, she's a bunny and on the smaller side, so I feel the need to warn anyone that might possibly make the profound mistake of underestimating her to not do it. When it comes to the two of us, I'm the one that speaks softly -- she's the big stick.

Comments

[whyarewehere]

[ Grif squints suspiciously at the omnicomm screen, brows knit together. ]

Am I being punked right now?

[thethinzooline]

I keep asking myself that question, especially when I see people that look like you, but no. No, you are not.

[whyarewehere]

I'm serious. Am I supposed to believe in talking foxes? I mean, I got the superhero thing. I got the being lost in another universe thing.

But I am drawing the line here. Who's doing this?

[thethinzooline]

And what, I'm supposed to believe in whatever you are? Glass houses, my friend. I mean, look at you, with your weird flat face and horrifyingly amorphous features.

Your face looks like it's made of unfired clay, like whatever deranged deity made you got bored, stopped halfway through, and took you out of the kiln too soon. It is haunting. Truly unfortunate.

[nerdninja]

Oh, come on, we've been here for how long and you're still stuck on that?

[the_fuzz]

Points for the compliment. I'll even be nice and not take any off for the insult fight because it looks like he started it.

[thethinzooline]

[Yay, he has points! Judy points! His favorite kind of points!]

He really, really did, and I was just being honest. What I did was a public service, really. Now he knows he should maybe wear a bag over his head.

[the_fuzz]

Still have an appetite after that, though?

[Because the idea of carnivorism was disturbing, and somewhat nausea inducing.]

It turns out they have blueberry pie down here.

[thethinzooline]

[Nick's ears perk up.]

No amount of talking about horrific taboos will ever put me off blueberries. Bring it. Bring all of it. The whole pie.

[A pause.]

Also, maybe get one for yourself.

[wherenoonegoes]

[The camera is pulled back enough just so Toothese can poke his head into view while Hiccup talks.]

Judging by your conversation with Grif? I feel I should warn you, for your own sanity, to never ask me what my flight suit used to be made of.

[Talking fox? Fine, weirder stuff has happened, he's not going to question it.]</small]

[thethinzooline]

[Nick thinks about it for a moment.]

I'm sorry, now I really do have to ask. Is it a "it puts the conditioner on its fur or else it gets the hose once more" situation. Because if so, nnnnnnngh.

[wherenoonegoes]

I'm not going to get your references. I'm from a time before indoor plumbing.

I can guess though. Only thing I can say is I'm honestly happier with the current arrangement, where the only living thing that gets eaten is all the fish this jerk [he points to Toothless] shovels down.

[thethinzooline]

[Nick makes a little rumbling sound in his throat that definitely isn't a growl, no sir, but sounds like it wants to be.]

Please at least tell me the animals there aren't sentient?

Audio

[deafleppard]

Nice shades.

video on his end

[thethinzooline]

Surprisingly enough, I didn't pick them out with my unparalleled good taste. They had them made for me because one of my powers is enhanced senses and that means light is bothering my eyes at the moment.

[deafleppard]

You know, I really never thought about it like that. So like... all of your senses are better now?

[thethinzooline]

I haven't tasted anything yet but considering taste is tied to your sense of smell, that's probably a lot stronger.

[That had some possible negatives when it came to bad-tasting things but that had the possibility of making good things taste better, so that was a plus.]

Sight, smell, and hearing are definitely stronger. Touch...

[He touched the fur of his arm, actually paying attention to see if that was different.]

That's only a little bit more sensitive.

[He rubbed his thumb against his index finger.]

But mammals with paw pads don't really have strong sense of touch to start with. Not like an elephant's trunk. Our ancestors used to walk on these, not use them to text people. There was a tragic lack of smartphones back in the day.

[kingtyrantranger]

[Fox guy. Huh. Okay. Not the weirdest thing Jason's ever seen. He's kind of cute and fuzzy, but guys just don't say that kind of thing out loud.]

So if you're a police officer, why don't you join up with the Science Police? I'm not saying you've got to, but it seems like it would make more sense to me.

[He pauses, then shakes his head, mentally chiding himself.]

Sorry, that was rude. I should've introduced myself first. I'm Jason. Nice to meet you, Officer Wilde.

[He's a police officer! That means he's probably old enough to be a 'Mr.'. Congratulations, Nick, you are now marked as a Responsible Adult in Jason's mind.]

[thethinzooline]

Reason One: My partner is certifiably insane and wants to play at being superhero and I'm not about to let her throw herself at supervillains by herself.

Reason Two: I've been told that the Legion needs help so they can work on getting us home. Much as I'd prefer to work as a police officer, that won't get us all home any faster.

Reason Three: Blah blah blah altruism. Saving more people than the police can. Yada yada yada.

[He jokes but he does mean that. It's probably impossible to tell by his tone though.]

[kingtyrantranger]

Ms. Parker's a police officer?

[The idea that the Legion would allow two crazy people in is too worrying a concept for Jason to even consider.

Funny, though. She didn't look like a Judy. Then again, she didn't exactly sound like a cop, unless she was crooked. Oh man, how many action movies did her life consist of?]

I-I'm sorry, man. Uh. Fox.

[the_fuzz]

He's talking about me.

[Instead of Parker, the person that responds is a small rabbit who very definitely holds herself like a somewhat exasperated cop.]

And don't let Nick fool you. He's just as crazy as I am.

[leverageintceo]

You're not a cop.

[Parker's been watching some of his exchanges with the others. That's why she's smiling.]

Well, not just a cop. You're a thief.

[thethinzooline]

Madam!

[It's said in a scandalized voice and he clutches a paw to his chest.]

I resent the implication that I've ever been anything but a law-abiding citizen and person of impeccable moral character.

[He pauses, then grins.]

What gave it away?

[leverageintceo]

[Parker grins back.]

Oh, you pick these things up. It pays to know when there's another professional in the building.

...Giant moon-sized spaceworld thing. Whatever.

What made you go all cop on us?

[thethinzooline]

My partner.

[There's really no other way to explain it. He can't just pretend he magically thought of joining the police himself.]

I hustled her and she found out, even though there was nothing she could do about it. Then she was running down a missing mammal case and found out I'd seen the victim not long before he disappeared.

Then she out-hustled me. Blackmailed me into helping her.

[He looks so proud, like his little foxy heart is nearly exploding with fondness.]

At first we were at each other's throats but as the case went on, we became friends and worked together very well, and she --

[Dammit, he can't talk about this without at least a little sincerity.]

She made me think maybe I could be something else when I really hadn't considered it before. That I could be something...more.

[Sincere moment over. He shrugs casually.]

Fortunately, I was good at what I did so I had a squeaky clean background check. No arrest record. But having the background I do and the connections I have is pretty useful for putting the real bad guys away.