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Legion Watch | 003 [video]

[The Legion World staff maintains a feed of all Legion-related media so Legionnaires can be kept abreast of any reporting that's done on them. A segment has aired on Neutrino News about the Legionnaires and their overthrow of Murderworld. Two women appear on the screen, sitting at a desk, their appearances altered by glam filters so that one is all pink hair and skin and sparkles, and the other is all in blues. They look pretty flashy and tacky but this is the future. Reporters don't exist anymore; they're "personalities" now. More serious news outlets have already reported on the atrocities on Harrub; this is one of the fluffier retrospective programs that have aired.]

Shellee: I'm Shellee Star! [That would be the pink one.]

Tammee: And I'm Tammee Tim! [That would be the blue one.]

Together: And this is Legion Watch! [They say it in unison in the perkiest voices possible and a stylized graphic of the words "Legion Watch" appear at the bottom of the screen. Occasional clickable sidelinks pop up as the news show goes on.]

[After their peppy opening, Shellee and Tammee look a little more serious than usual.]

Shellee: Ladies and gentle-beings, we would like to warn you that today's episode of Legion Watch has some content containing extreme violence that may be considered graphic and disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.

Tammee: In a disturbing turn of events, the talks between the United Planets and the UP prospective world Harrub have led to several arrests of important Harrubian officials.

Shellee: After the Harrubians signed the charter for their world to join the United Planets, subjecting them to UP law from the moment of signing, it was discovered that Harrubian government officials and other Harrubian elite were maintaining a planetoid called Murderworld, an arena where Harubbian dissidents and their families were sent to suffer through numerous crimes against sentient life.

[Video is shown of Harrubian officials getting arrested.]

[Shocking details about the horrors inside Murderworld. Listen to the personal accounts of Harrubian survivors.]

Tammee: After investigating the well-being of the Harrubians upon their historic acceptance the UP, many members of the Legion of Superheroes were reportedly kidnapped by the sentient that was running Murderworld for the Harrubians, a man that calls himself Arcade. Arcade is a dimensional displacee that is thought to fallen into our world from another dimension, who was somehow snatched away from Phelolu before the Legion detected his presence.

Shellee: Arcade then fell in with the Harrubian officials responsible for oppressing their own people, building an arena full of death traps and illegally-created genetic monstrosities.

Tammee: According to reports, several captured Legionnaires were responsible for arresting Arcade, stopping his machinations, and contacting the Science Police. Other Legionnaires neutralized Arcade's hired mercenaries inside the arena. The mercenaries that survived these encounters, like Arcade, are now in Science Police custody. Arcade, the mercenaries, and many of the corrupt Harrubian officials that backed the planetoid's use, will be facing trial in UP courts for multi-murder, among other crimes.

Shellee: Several of the arrested Harrubian officials are claiming foul play, insisting that the Legion influenced the UP to have Harrub sign despite suspicions of their wrongdoings, specifically to allow the officials to be arrested under UP law.

Tammee: However, President Wazzo had this to say about the Harrubian atrocities.

[The scene goes to Madame President at a press conference.]

President Wazzo: The Harrubians signed the UP charter knowing they were agreeing to the rule of UP law from the moment of signing onward. UP law guarantees all sentients certain rights and freedoms, which are the very foundation of civilized galactic society. If the Harrubian government agreed to providing these rights and freedoms to their citizens in ill faith, that's their own responsibility. If they didn't want to adhere to the charter, they shouldn't have signed.

[Arrested Harrubian officials swear vengeance on the Legion for what they perceive as "deceptive" practices. See the arraignment footage here.]

Shellee: In the wake of this scandal, an interim government has been arranged on Harrub. Currently the Science Police, UP government, and senior members of the Legion are helping the Harrubians install a new democratic government that respects the basic sentient rights of the Harrubian people.

Tammee: However, despite this good news, there have been some revelations in the aftermath that have left many UP citizens concerned. Yesterday, an automatic upload of footage was triggered by Science Police officers engaging in a forensic sweep of Murderworld's computers. While the upload was stopped mid-stream, footage of Harrubian dissidents and Legionnaires attempting to survive in Murderworld was released to the galactic Net.

Shellee: Due to the duress all parties were under in Murderworld, no one's actions have been deemed by the Science Police as breaking the law, but still are a cause for concern for citizens of the UP.

Tammee: Due to Arcade's upload, we have footage of several events that took place during the Arena that have caused outrage and alarm among the public.

Shellee: We must warn the audience again that this footage contains graphic violence. If you find the idea of viewing it alarming, we suggest you tune away from this program.

Tammee: Legionnaires Freelancer and Paladin were seen fighting a mercenary nicknamed "Foxface," a fight that led to extreme violence against the mercenary.

[Pidge is seen tossing a grenade at Foxface and diving off a walkway, hanging onto the edge to use the walkway to shield herself. The explosion causes Foxface to fall to a gory fate into the crusher traps. Foxface is teleported away but it's not immediately possible for the audience to tell if the mercenary survived. Wash rushes into the room, initially defensive, and after she's back on the walkway again, he turns to look at her.]

Wash: Don't ever do that again.

Shellee: It's currently unknown to us here at Legion Watch if the mercenary survived the encounter.

Tammee: Similar acts of violence were very common during the course of the arena.

[Footage is shown of Nova jamming a surrender flag in Thresh's eye. Dipper and Mabel are seen attacking the Warboys during the road war (which includes a shot of Dipper sending a thunderstick back at a car with teke and exploding it with the Warboys still inside). Wash can be seen slitting Cashmere's throat. Videl is shown fighting in a cagematch.]

Shellee: However, so were acts of cooperation and camaraderie.

[Soldier 76 and Reaper are shown working together as they fight a monster. Gwen is shown supporting an injured Videl. Sam and Jason are shown fighting a mannequin monster together. Sam is shown tackling Wiress off a cliff to save a prone and injured Rich, and then the footage fast forwards to later as the two cuddle together for warmth in the treetops as they fall asleep, with Rich using his Nova Force arm to warm them up. Grif is shown bitching to Wash, yet doing it with an odd show of faith.]

Wash: Are you okay?

Grif: It turns out the bad guy can send us wherever he wants! This is totally fair and not stupid in any way! I'm great!

Wash: Well, we already know he doesn't have any creativity or style. He's not above it. He probably cheats to make up for it.

Grif: And you know that just doesn't even make good television. Like what the fuck do you think people tune in for? There's no suspense. No drama. Cheaters are boring. He knows that if he'd left us at that barrier for like five more seconds I'm pretty sure somebody would've figured out how to take it down.

[For more public instances of Grif being disagreeable, click here.]

Tammee: Before you judge them in any way, we would like to remind the audience that the Legionnaires were suffering under considerable emotional distress. Many of these incidents were calculated to cause extreme psychological harm.

[A muttation says 'I love you, Azula' and Azula starts to shake as she breaks down, with Vance standing nearby. Grif and Ina are shown in a warthog, arguing. (It's time for the drama portion of the segment).]

Grif: CAREFUL! The faster you do things the faster they happen, and that's really fucking fast!

Ina: You're so crude!

Grif: Why is that a problem right now?!

[The footage shifts to Rich, shaking Sam.]

Rich: What the hell were you thinking?! I don't care if someone's about to put my head on a goddamn pike and put on a puppet show with it, when I tell you something's too dicey and to get somewhere safe, you get somewhere safe and you stay there!

[Back to the studio again. The two personalities show a surprising bit of maturity in what they say next. Not that it's stopped them from showing the footage at all, but at least their attitudes don't suck.]

Tammee: If anything, this footage shows us something we should have already known: that the Legionnaires are more complex than we sometimes want to accept.

Shellee: They can be alarmingly violent one moment --

[The Pines twins are shown being just that, all dressed up in war paint, as they brutally fight against one of the mercenaries.]

Tammee: --and selfless the next.

[The Pines twins are shown again in split-screen, stuck in the trap at the beginning of the arena, in their separate rooms.]

Arcade: In a few seconds, I'm going to drop the forcefields that let you reach your buttons. If neither of you hits one, you both die. But if you hit the button before your sibling does, poison gas will pour into your chamber and kill you -- but your beloved twin goes free.

[Arcade snaps his fingers and both forcefields drop.]

Arcade: They can go out into the world on a quest for vengeance, forever carrying the pain of being too afraid to--

[Both twins slam their buttons immediately, trying to save each other.]

Mabel: Blah blah blah! I'd rather die from poison than have to hear you anymore!

Arcade: Wait, what --

[The two doors open and poison gas also starts to vent into both chambers, but the doors opening allow the twins to escape.]

Arcade: No, the door buttons weren't meant to be hit simultaneously! You weren't supposed to do it right away, you were supposed to agonize over your decisions or cower in fear or --

Dipper: You actually thought we had the attention spans to reach the end of that really boring monologue you were making, but the joke's on you, Arcade! You severely overestimated us!

Shellee: Madame President had this to say about the Legion's actions...

[Back to the press conference.]

President Wazzo: With the upload of footage from Murderworld I would like to remind the public that all the Legionnaires trapped there were under conditions of extreme duress. By both UP law and Legion protocol, killing is legal under certain conditions for the defense of oneself and others. All Legionnaires that were captured refused to harm the Harrubian dissidents in the arena, and in many cases, protected them. Any killings perpetrated by the Legion were against hired mercenaries guilty of multi-murder, during circumstances where they had no means of arresting said mercenaries. Arcade himself was even arrested without being killed, due the Legionnaires that captured him recognizing that he could safely be detained for trial.

[She juts out her chin.]

President Wazzo: The UP Council and my administration stand behind the Legion. Despite circumstances of extreme psychological stress, the captured Legionnaires never forgot their duty to the innocent, nor their loyalty to one another, and because of their actions, several criminals guilty of multi-murder will be facing trial, and the people of Harrub now have a chance at a brighter future, free of oppression.

Tammee: We have presented highlights of Arcade's footage for public record, as we believe the public has the right to know about some of the events that unfolded.

Shellee: However, here at Legion Watch, we still support the Legion during their difficult time.

Tammee: And now a word from our sponsors!

[A male adult human is shown cooking at a futuristic stove and sighing. A young girl comes in to look at what he's doing.]

Teen Girl: Oh no, a fresh-cooked meal again?

Father: I know, same old, same old, right? And it's always such a hassle.

Teen Girl: I know what to do! Let's go to the store!

[The father and daughter are now in a space age supermarket and the girl picks up a massive box of something that looks vaguely like cereal.]

Teen Girl: We should try Nibbles N' Bites!

Father: What's Nibbles N' Bites?

Teen Girl: Nibbles N' Bites is premium grade human kibble, filled with all the nutrients the human body needs!

Father: Why slave over a hot stove when we can eat this? All the time!

Teen Girl: Exactly! It comes in fifty flavors, to allow for endless variety, so we never get bored!

Father: We can eat this for every meal! My days of cooking fresh meals are over!

[Several boxes in different flavors are shown. One is Tofulicious. Another is Greep. Then, of course, there's the ever-popular Chocolate, Plooberry, and Snozzleberry.]

Teen Girl: Nibbles N' Bites human kibble is perfect as a balanced, breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack! With Nibble N' Bites human kibble you'll never have to cook again!

[Back in the studio, Tammee and Shellee are smiling massive smiles.]

Tammee: While the Legion's wild Murderworld actions were understandable, the public is still alarmed and mystified by the otherdimensional heroes that have entered our world.

Shellee: That's why Legion Watch is offering a new feature alongside our usual thrilling Legion news, a segment called: Legionnaire Legacies!

Tammee: Using our patented Dimensional Viewer technology, we'll be bringing you live footage from the pasts of some of your favorite dimensionally displaced Legionnaires. These profiles will allow our viewers to get the know the real people behind the Legionnaire call-signs.

Shellee: So keep an eye out for Legionnaire Legacies, a brand new segment of Legion Watch.

[Click here for more info on Legionnaire Legacies.]

Tammee: For more Legion action, be sure to keep tuning in! This is Tammee Tim!

Shellee: And Shellee Star!

Both: And this was Legion Watch!

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[There are no words for that Murderworld footage. Jason had heard that it was bad. But some of that footage was just... Wow.

...Probably no one wants to hear any sympathies or condolences. Best to focus on other things.]

Wow. Just when we thought our fans weren't bad enough, now they can go back in time and watch us whenever they want. Is there anyone who feels like this whole Legionnaire Legacy thing should be illegal or something?

More important, is there anyone who doesn't?

Seriously. Fuck this entire idea.

Should've expected something like this.

This has GOT to be a violation of a metric tonne of privacy laws.

Those don't matter here. I turned up, and everyone's like ha ha ha you introduced yourself as Speedball.

I'm not even surprised; I'm just disappointed in myself for buying it.

[Brainy is nearly apopleptic with rage.]

One thing is absolutely illegal and it's them using my invention.

Last year, I loaned one of my dimensional Anywhere Machines to the Time Institute on Talus, for use in their studies of spacetime and interdimensional space. The device was stolen and never recovered.

This is clearly either where it ended up, or someone reverse-engineered the prototype and made duplicates.

In either case, it's my intellectual property. There are no other research facilities that are even close to designing anything remotely similar.

Edited 2016-11-21 07:20 (UTC)

[There's a part of Wash, somewhere in the back of his head, that started screaming when Legionnaire Legacies was announced and hasn't stopped yet. He's been fucking killing himself trying to move on, and now-]

[-now they haven't started yet. Maybe there's a way to head this off at the pass.]

[His voice is sharp when he speaks - not angry, bur tense.]

Can you block it.

[Please, for the love of God, say yes.]

The device would require a quantal scan to key into someone's personal timeline, which can conceivably be avoided if you manage to thwart the efforts of any reporters attempting scan you in public.

[He holds up his hands to the viewscreen to show the size of the devices.]

It's unlikely that they managed to miniaturize the scanning devices any more than I did, so their scanning attempts will possibly be conspicuous.

However, if you're asking if there's some other method of blocking them from keying into your dimensional signature if they do manage to obtain said scans...that would be a no.

[Sheepish.]

I purposefully designed the scanners and the dimensional indexing process to be effectively unblockable.

[His eyebrows raise and he perks up slightly.]

The upside is that since this is almost certainly my intellectual property, I can probably have it confiscated by the Science Police.

[His face falls again.]

However, since I never formally registered a patent or schematics with the UP government, that...may present some challenges. It's most likely going to require a lengthy court arbitration wherein I'll have to use my notes and other files to prove I invented it.

[Whups.]

Edited 2016-11-21 08:56 (UTC)

[Parker's eyes are bright and she looks a little manic. But here it is: her time to shine.]

So what your saying is that we have to steal the past.

I'm on it.

[Aaaaaaand the screen goes black.]

Parker, that --

[Annnd off she goes.]

That...would be an effective method to solve the problem.

[Godspeed, Parker.]

[To Wash's credit, he does not scream out loud. He's saving that for later.]

So the only way to avoid any chance of being scanned is essentially to be a hermit, which doesn't exactly fit with our job descriptions.

[Still not screaming! Good for him.]

The public is going to freak out badly enough over the Murderworld footage. I do not need them seeing me fight a war.

[Either war, actually. They'd both been pretty bloody. Not to mention what he'd done during Project Freelancer, and after it had fallen...]

...it's probably a useless gesture, but if you need any help, I have an eidetic memory and a vested interest in shutting this shit down.

[Brainy looks almost surprised that Wash is volunteering to help instead of acting angry at him over the creation and loss of the device. Maybe he's getting a little too used to being blamed for everything...]

Your offer is appreciated, but I have no need for any assistance. I keep very precise and organized files, and the Legion has a whole battalion of skilled and nearly ethical lawyers. It will just be...time-consuming, due to my presence being needed in court and having to talk any nitwit jurors through the intricacies of interdimensional physics.

[Gods.]

Which is slightly problematic because of all the other projects I need to do that are vital to our ongoing operations. Which are also time-consuming.

[He looks around the lab at...many many experiments and automated processes that are running simultaneously. Some are building and testing new equipment: omnicoms, transuits, even a new cybernetic prosthetic for Richard. Some are analyzing, testing, and scanning certain things to hopefully produce more useful information about the anomaly on Phelolu and Chronoblivon. Some are set up to work on the problem of the quantum bonds the Time Trapper is using to trap them all here.]

[There's...a lot. Especially with him still sometimes being needed to show up in-person on some of the more complicated missions. He's down to 3 hours of sleep every week or so, which is workable for now, but not in the long-term. He's had help on the things that others have been able to help with, but some of it is beyond even the other scientists.]

[He's refusing to admit it to anyone, because it all needs to be done -- they need him to be on top of it...but he's drowning.]

Don't worry, though, I have it all under control.

Edited 2016-11-21 09:39 (UTC)

[Admittedly, he's a little boggled that the device doesn't have a failsafe built in, but that ship sailed long ago and he wasn't exactly here to see it off. You can't change the past, and there's no use in getting mad about it; he's learned that the hard way.]

[Wash has seen Brainiac's lab - briefly, while helping Pidge put hers together, but nonetheless. The place is packed. On one hand, he knows Brainy is a genius on a level he's never really going to comprehend; on the other hand, there's only so much time in the day, even for a genius.]

[So he doesn't quite believe Brainy, but he's not going to push it either.]

If you say so. I'm here if you need anything.

[Chilling in one of the more public areas of the ship, because he is secretly a very needy creature who will die if left alone too long, Dave catches the feed live. And it sure is one hell of a feed.

Suddenly, "playing superhero" sounds a lot more serious than it had upon first waking up here. He feels a little sick watching some of the gorier scenes, and even if he determinedly keeps a straight face the whole time he's watching, his jaw is noticeably tight. It's not like a movie or anything, that's real shit that was happening to some of the people here, and real blood.

He's uncharacteristically quiet for a minute or so after the feed finally ends. But only just for that short bit of time, and then whoever happens to be in the room is stuck with his typical word vomit.]

So. Uh.

[But what does one even say about that shit?]

...Human kibble sounds fuckin' awesome.

[ Grif squints over at Dave, frowns for a moment, then nods speculatively. Okay. He will accept this obvious subject change. ]

Yeah. No decisions. Just do it. I could live with that.

[ Depending on how it tastes, there might be some new packaging additions to trash mountain in coming weeks. ]

[Never thought he'd think this, but bless you Grif.]

Well, hold on now, weren't you payin' attention? There's a metric fuckton of flavors to choose from. Hell, indecisive types might burst into tears at the mere thought of deciding which one they wanna chow down on on ang given night. But hey, no fuss. I suck at cooking.

[In his defense, the kitchen growing up was less a place for food and food preparation and more a place for random jumbles of weapons and puppet snuff porn. So yeah, limited cooking experience.]

That's not a decision, you just take whatever's closest to you.

[ He rolls his eyes and says it like it's the most obvious thing in the universe. What, expecting him to bother reaching for something over a trivial concern like flavor? Get on Grif's level, Dave! ]

And this is coming from somebody who can cook. ...Kind of.

[ Creative recombination of prepackaged foods is not, for the record, cooking. ]

[You're a champion of laziness we can all only aspire to be like, Grif.

But for his part, Dave just leans heavily against the back of the couch he's slumped on to give Grif a pointedly disbelieving look. Amazing how that can be communicated even though the shades.]

Are you seriously trying to tell me you've never had a hankering for bacon specifically or any other sort of craving? Shit, I learned not to be a picky eater outta necessity but sometimes you just gotta go to the ends of the earth for the particular sort of grease you're jonesin' for.

[ Grif catches the disbelieving look. Dave has the benefit of a mostly-visible face, and Grif is accustomed to picking that up through a full mirrored helmet visor.

He sighs. ]

Dammit Dave, you reminded me about the bacon again. Why do you have to do this to me?

[ His ~~arteries~~ heart will not go on. ]

[Dave drops his head back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling.]

Our mutual suffering is our only method of bonding.

[Could that be a metaphor for their mutually talking around the traumatic elephant in the room? Maybe.]

Look, you don't get to mutually suffer with me until you've spent three years in a box canyon with me and the world's worst officer. We're just at convivial griping. Boundaries, dude.

[ There is no elephant. Why would there be an elephant? They left the elephant safely back in that arena. ]

I did three years on a meteor in paradox space with just my sister, a bunch of aliens, and a homicidal clown hiding in the vents. That sounds close enough for bonding to me.

[He doesn't even glance away from the ceiling as he says it, voice not even fluctuating in tone.]

[ Grif eyeballs him speculatively. That... actually sounds like some his-life grade bullshit there. ]

Well. Sisters do make everything worse.

[ He's trying. ]

[Dave turns his head a little, cheek pressed against the fabric of the couch as he presumably looks at Grif. The shades make it hard to say for sure.]

You have a sister?

[Look at him, extending that olive branch and trying to make friends. Go him.]

Yeah. And whenever she shows up things instantly get like...

[ He thinks it over like it's a real, scientific thing he has to remember accurately. ]

Two, two and a half times worse? Probably closer to three if there are aliens.

[ Because she'd think they were attractive and he'd have to deal with that. God. ]

[Dave nods sagely. He absolutely gets it, trust him.]

My sis probably kept us all from dying horribly most of the time. But hell if she doesn't need to shut the fuck up sometimes and mind her own business. She's a flighty broad who thinks meddling in everyone else's lives is the most fun a person can have without busting out the eldritch tomes.

[He misses her a lot.]

...Eldritch what?

[ Forgive him. Grif doesn't speak nerd. He's skeptical about "eldritch" even being a word, really. ]

The dark arts, tentacle-covered Lovecraftian monstrosities, that sorta thing. [s h r u g.] She had a phase where she was really into all that gothy shit and spent a good chunk of our time in the game communing with the Horrorterrors of the Furthest Ring. Went full grimdark for a bit when her mom died. I think she's getting over it now, or at the very least has toned her interests down to the strictly fictional.

[It's amazing the kind of shit this kid can talk about with a completely straight face.]

[ Grif takes that in, raises and lowers one shoulder, and says ]

...Mine's just really embarrassing.

[ Yeah, he's got nothing compared to that. He's also starting to guess at a picture of Dave's life, and figuring there's a stepmom involved. It's his sister's mom, not his. Grif has no real way of knowing how off base he is about it. ]

And for the record, I didn't understand any of that. Which I'm assuming was what you were going for, so good job.

[It's a pretty admirable observation and about as much as can be expected from anyone without the context of what the fuck went down in his universe. No one can blame you for being closer to the outfield than any actual bases.

Dave actually pauses there, making a face at the ceiling that's a little bit mild frustration, a little bit grim acceptance. It's not aimed at Grif, at least. The ceiling is just a decent enough stand-in for his whole life right now.]

I'm not going for anything. My ass is firmly planted here, not metaphorically moving towards any goal in particular. Shit back home just turned super fuckin' incomprehensible at some point and I think only like a handful of us ever really got a handle on all of it. Nonsense words became half our vocabulary at some point and you just had to learn to roll with it or go completely apeshit.

Dude...That stuff's probably made from people.

[Just like that one movie about the green stuff. And it's way better to talk about the crazy kind of bad stuff then the super real bad stuff going on right in front of him.]

Edited 2016-11-21 00:20 (UTC)

[He highly doubts it. But agreed, better a completely fucking stupid subject than the non-commercial-based subjects right now.]

Some of my best friends are from an alien race that engages in mass infanticide and eats that shit in every form you could imagine. Cannibalism seems less horrific these days. So yeah, bring on the literal human kibbles.

Man, why is everything you say the worst thing I ever heard?

[That's the best damn question anyone ever asked.]

I've had a hell of a last few years.

No kiddin' dawg. Even the weirdest aliens I know aren't that weird.

Still not touching the kibble though.

Edited 2016-11-23 01:27 (UTC)

Don't be a culturally-insensitive dick. One of them's here.

[And he's Dave's favorite so hush.]

Bro.

Baby eating.

Not babies. Grubs. They're like, insect-based.

But that's not fair! People should get to tell their own stories.

Did everyone say that they could show all these recordings? Did they have permission?

Oh god, no.

Please, don't.

Really? I missed all that?

Ugh, talk about lame!

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Legion Watch | 003 [video]

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