legionnpcs (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
legionnpcs) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
thelegion2016-06-17 05:48 am
legionnpcs) wrote in thelegion2016-06-17 05:48 am
Entry tags:
Legion Watch | 002 [video]
[The Legion World staff maintains a feed of all Legion-related media so Legionnaires can be kept abreast of any reporting that's done on them. A segment has aired on Neutrino News about the Legionnaires and their defeat of Galactus. Two women appear on the screen, sitting at a desk, their appearances altered by glam filters so that one is all pink hair and skin and sparkles, and the other is all in blues. They look pretty flashy and tacky but this is the future. Reporters don't exist anymore; they're "personalities" now. More serious news outlets have already reported on the fight; this is one of the fluffier retrospective programs that have aired.]
Tammee: I'm Tammee Tim! [That would be the blue one.]
Shellee: I'm Shellee Star! [That would be the pink one.]
Both: And this is Legion Watch! [They say it in unison in the perkiest voices possible and a stylized graphic of the words "Legion Watch" appear at the bottom of the screen. Occasional clickable sidelinks pop up as the news show goes on.]
Shellee: In a shocking turn of events, a threat from another dimension entered our universe with the aim of devouring whole planets, a being named Galactus.
[Is the UP at risk for more dimensional threats coming through to our universe? Link here for opinions by the UP's top scientists.]
Tammee: This gobbling giant set its sights on the planet Braal, only to be stopped by the Legion, in their greatest new triumph yet!
[Video is shown of Galactus in his ship, looming ominously over Braal, his heralds zipping around in Braal's skies. The video seems like it must have been been impossible to get, but as soon as the crisis started, news drones started zipping around all around Braal's system, so the video is genuine and very clear, almost cinematic.]
Shellee: Several Legion teams managed to work together to stop Galactus and send him packing to another universe. One team, comprised of classic Legionnaires [she says "classic" like she's talking about non-diet soda] put together some kind of energy cannon near Braal's sun to damage Galactus' ship.
[Video is shown of the native Legionnaires putting the finishing touches on the sun cannon and firing it. The video cuts to orbital footage of the beam causing Galactus' ship damage, and then him looking across the void and blasting the cannon to pieces.]
Tammee: Fortunately, we're told that though several Legionnaires suffered injuries during Galactus' attack of the sun cannon, none were killed, and that they're all in good condition.
Shellee: And even more fortunately, it looks like Brainiac 5 didn't make this batch of Legionnaires disappear, too!
Both: [Laughter.]
[Link here for information on the Brainiac 5 scandal and the disappearance of most of the Legion.]
Tammee: But it's the other Legion teams that seem to have dealt the most damage to Galactus and forced him out of our universe.
Shellee: Teams comprised entirely of new Legionnaires: the displacees that the Legion have taken in from other universes!
Tammee: In a brave bid for peace, Legionnaire Nova Prime was seen trying to talk the heralds of Galactus into moving him to an uninhabited world. Sadly, this attempt nearly cost him his life.
[Footage is shown of the Surfer sticking his arm through Rich's chest, then it fast forwards and a blur is seen as Grif zips in and carries Rich off.]
Shellee: Good news, though: Legion reps says that Nova Prime survived the attack and is safely convalescing on Legion World.
Tammee: And the person responsible for that is none other than Legionnaire Doubletime, who risked going mere feet away from Galactus' herald to save his teammate. Let's get that shot in slow motion!
[The shot is shown again and when it's slowed down, it's clear that the orange blur is Grif running in, grabbing him, and carrying him off.]
Shellee: A touching act of selflessness for the sake of a teammate! Truly, these new recruits have the same spirit as the Legion of old.
[Link here for recent polls on Doubletime's popularity, now at 95% in several age brackets, up from 0.005%.]
Tammee: Indeed they do, Shellee! One of the greatest acts of heroism during the crisis was the fight against one of Galactus' heralds, a dangerous and homicidal energy being named Stardust. A team comprised entirely of recent Legion recruits was responsible for destroying Stardust and containing her energy so she couldn't reform.
[Footage is shown of the team fighting her.]
Shellee: Legionnaires Saiyaman, Superman, Sunfire, and Iudex successfully took the herald down.
Tammee: Superman is thought to actually be Legionnaire Superboy, who was beloved by the UP public during his six month tenure with the Legion several years back. Theories abound on whether this is him from a different point in his timeline, or a version from an alternate universe, but everyone in the UP can definitely agree it's good to see him back in action as a Legionnaire!
[Link here for information on past Superboy appearances in the UP.]
Shellee: After Saiyaman, aka Go-Getter Gohan, dealt some damage against Stardust in a ferocious attack, the other Legionnaires were able to use a discarded Braalian high-powered mining drill to stop the menace once and for all!
[Their final defeat of Stardust is shown.]
Shellee: Tragically, Legionnaire Iudex gave his life in the fight against Stardust. [Footage is shown of Alexander being tossed towards a black hole, though him being sucked in is left out in a thin attempt at tact.] The UP Council has pledged to have a memorial service and moment of silence for the Legionnaire tomorrow at 1400 hours near the Lost Legionnaire memorial in New Metropolis.
Tammee: Truly, he will be missed. [Her somber expression gives way to a giant, plastic smile.] And now a word from our sponsors!
[A blue alien with tentacles is shown in a very futuristic kitchen. He struggles somewhat comically to open a container of purple sludge that spills all over his front.]
Voiceover: Are you tired of the hard-to-open containers of pre-packaged snarlok?
The alien: [Looks at the camera despairingly] Yes!
Voiceover: Are you tired of finding plibs in your store-bought snarlok?
[A container of purple sludge is shown with gooey green bits in it.]
The alien: I hate plibs!
The alien: [Tries to make purple stuff in a weird alien blender, but their comical flailing knocks the lid off and they get sprayed in the face with purple gunk.]
Voiceover: Are you tired of the mess of making homemade snarlock in a glorpblinder?
The alien: All the time!
Voiceover: Then you should try the Snarloblinder 3000! With the Snarloblinder 3000, you can make fresh, homemade snarlok with none of the hassle and none of the mess!
[A Snarloblinder 3000 is shown on the screen, a fancy-blending device that looks more complicated than the other blender device.]
Voiceover: Store-bought snarlok has difficult-to-open packaging and plibs. Traditional snarlok requires multiple ploombs, a glibglar, and mikklesnigs, and can take three whole days to make. And making snarlok with normal glorpblinders is a hassle! With the Snarloblinder 3000, you simply take your snarlok ingredients and put them in the labeled chambers, where they'll be plimped, gloomped, and snibsnobbed automatically. [Tentacles are shown shoving and pouring globby green balls, purple root vegetables, and some kind of jiggling blue liquid, among other things, into various chambers.] Then the ingredients are blended together into smooth, creamy snarlok, at a perfect texture to avoid forming plibs!
The alien: [After it's all blended, the alien pours it into a cup and takes a sip.] Now that's some fantastic snarlok, just like all five of my mothers used to make! And my kitchen counter's still pristine!
Voiceover: Don't settle for kitchen messes or prepackaged snarlok, with its difficult-to-open packaging and plibs. [Each scenario is shown again, with the video freezing and going to black and white, and a giant red X appearing over each one.] Buy a Snarloblinder 3000! It makes snarlok just like your mothers used to make, in mere minutes instead of days like traditional snarlok! Now available where all kitchen googlebips are sold!
[Link here for lists of stores and online delivery depots where Snarloblinder 3000s are sold.]
[The Legion Watch logo flashes again and explodes, going back to Shellee and Tammee]
Tammee: I'm Tammee Tim!
Shellee: And I'm Shellee Star!
Both: And you're back to watching Legion Watch!
Shellee: While one team took down the dangerous herald Stardust, another team during the Galactus crisis fought against a being called the Silver Surfer, the same dangerous entity that injured Nova Prime. Legionnaires Cure Blossom, Doubletime, Forge, Toothless, and Nova fought the Surfer, until they managed to convince him to lead Galactus away from Braal!
Tammee: And one of them managed to look fabulous as she did it! Legionnaire Cure Blossom's floral uniform accents have caught on with sentients of all ages. Flower looks are now heavily trending and famous fashion designer Giilo Kreev is now sporting flower fashion himself and plans to start a brand new floral-based clothing line.
[Link here for photos of Giilo Kreev's new floral look.]
Shellee: Clearly, Cure Blossom knows how to save the world in style!
Tammee: Meanwhile, there is some mystery about the new Nova. Legion reps state that Nova Prime took on the addition of "Prime" in his superhero name to allow the younger hero to have the name "Nova." Is the new Nova a younger brother?
Shellee: Perhaps even his son? Theories abound!
Tammee: Several Legionnaires went unseen during the crisis, but Legion sources say that Green Lantern, Spider-Woman, Captain Mystery, and newer recruit, Justice, went on a secret mission and are responsible for the release of the cosmic being that kicked Galactus out of our universe: The Spectre.
[Footage of the Spectre's fight is briefly shown on screen, but since many of the news drones had burned out during it, it's only a snippet.]
Shellee: Legion representatives have been quick to assure the public that the Spectre is an entity that is much less malicious than Galactus and that they have a way to eventually return him to containment.
Tammee: Let's hope so, Shellee! I sure wouldn't want to get on his bad side!
Shellee: During the crisis, a UP military fleet was dispatched to deal with Galactus but found itself grounded due to technical difficulties. The UP Council has accused the Legion of interfering with the fleet, but Legion reps state that the Legion isn't responsible and have demanded that the UP military furnish proof of interference.
Tammee: [Her voice goes respectfully somber, proving that she's capable of sounding actually empathetic instead of fake.] In other Legion related news, a psionic, parasitic being called Harrow was defeated on Braal by Legionnaires Payback, Amp, and Saiyawoman. In an unfortunate turn of events, seven sentients were killed during Harrow's opportunistic attack of a Spirit of the Last Son church where scared citizens of Braal were gathered during the crisis. An eighth, his host body, was discovered to be already deceased when Harrow was telepathically extracted. However, thanks to the intervention of the Legion, these eight were the only victims.
Shellee: A memorial has been erected outside the church and a service will be held for the victims tomorrow at 1800.
[Link here for information on memorial services and what you can do to help the survivors and loved ones of the victims.]
Tammee: Several church goers have praised the Legionnaires for their timely intervention, claiming that their selflessness and quick engagement of Harrow allowed them to safely escape.
Shellee: Science Police reps say that now that Harrow has been extracted from his last host and contained, he'll be facing a UP tribunal with charges of multi-murder. While the loss of life was tragic, the Legion's intervention is thought to have saved the lives of over 60 sentients and prevented Harrow from attacking more worlds.
Tammee: Now, another word from our sponsors.
[A purple little girl with one eye, a blue boy with giant bat ears, and a genderless, amorphous, clear child in a baseball hat are sitting around a living room looking bored.]
Little girl: Grife, I wish we could find something to do. I sure am bored!
Little boy: Me, too!
Blob child: I wish we could do cool things like the Legion. I bet they're never bored!
Voiceover: Did somebody say they want to be like the Legion?
All three: [All three look at the camera] Do we ever!
Voiceover: Now you can jump into action just like the Legion, with the new series of Legion action figures, made by Middelworks!
[There's an explosion and the room disappears, leaving the kids in an area with a bunch of action figures and a little playset to play them on.]
All three: Wooow!
Little boy: [holds up a Grif action figure.] It looks just like the real Doubletime! [He presses a button and the action figure has a soft-light hologram over it that makes it appear to blur.] Nyooom! Can't catch me! [He presses another button.]
Grif figure: [It has a pretty close approximation to his voice, taken from news drone samples and synthesized to sound like him.] I like donuts and saving the world!
Little girl: And it sounds just like the real Doubletime, too! [Picks up a Hiccup action figure and puts it on the Toothless figure. The ad makes them look as if they're flying around independently and a plastic plasma blast shoots from Toothless' mouth and hits a Stardust figure, causing it and some fake rocks to fall down.] Forge even comes with his reptile friend, Toothless!
Hiccup figure: We've got a world to save! Let's go, bud!
Blob child: [Plays with a Spider-Woman figure] Wow, Spider-Woman even has spiderweb action!
Gwen figure: You really think you can hurt innocent people with the Legion around? Awful plan. Zero out of ten! [The figure then shoots fake webbing, but it's an actual stringy substance that snags a Silver Surfer action figure and pulls it off of the playset's ledge.]
Galactus figure: [Looms up over the edge of the playset. This figure is larger than the others.] GALACTUS HUNGERS!
Little boy: Oh no, it's Galactus!
Voiceover: Galactus doesn't stand a chance when the whole Legion's on the case!
[Cool looking action figures of the entire active Legion roster are shown.]
[Except for Brainy.]
Little girl: Take that, Galactus!
[The figures are all shown firing various powers. Some actually look pretty cool because of holograms the toys have built in.]
Galactus figure: NOOOOOO! [Falls out of view.]
[The three kids are shown again.]
All three: Let's go, Legion!
Voiceover: The Legion of Superheroes! By Middelworks!
[The whole set is displayed on the screen, then a Legion of Superheroes Middelworks logo.]
Voiceover: Middelworks claims no formal affiliation with the Legion of Superheroes. Made for sentients of variable ages, please check packaging for each species' age recommendation. With the exception of Forge and Toothless figures, all figures are sold separately. Legion playset is sold separately. Toy accessories may present choking hazards for young sentients that have throats or blowholes.
[Link here for toy outlets where Legion of Superheroes toys are sold!]
[The Legion Watch logo flashes again and explodes, going back to Shellee and Tammee]
Tammee: I'm Tammee Tim!
Shellee: And I'm Shellee Star!
Both: And you're back to watching Legion Watch!
Shellee: Some final news on the Galactus incident: According to Legion reps, a new orbital station has replaced the one that was destroyed by Galactus around the planet Phelolu. Legion reps state that all staff on the original station safely evacuated and that conditions on the planet, which changed when Galactus devoured the system's sun, won't prevent them from still rescuing dimensional displacees.
Tammee: In other good news, they also believe no displacees appeared in between the time the station was destroyed and replaced.
Shellee: Now we're going to Interviewbot, for the word on the street! UP citizens like you are being asked questions about how they feel about the Legion!
["Word on the Street" flashes on the screen and explodes, like the "Legion Watch" logo.]
[Two very cute young women are shown on a busy city street. One of them is a purple Liralian with bright green hair. The other is a human blonde who looks like she's barely out of her teens.]
Interviewbot: Bleep. Who is your favorite Legionnaire?
Blonde woman: Do you mean, like, which one is the most admirable or, like, which is, like, the cutest?
Liralian woman: If it's the hottest, it's a tie between Green Lantern or Nova Prime. [A pause.] No wait, it's totally Doubletime. Oh my grife. He's so dangerous.
Blonde woman: Honestly, I think Saiyawoman is the cutest. I mean, costume aside. She just, like, seems sooo confident.
Liralian woman: I don't know, isn't she lifebonded to Saiyaman? They both have similar names. I figured having a similar hero name was the equivalent of having the same last name like some species do after joining ceremonies.
Blonde woman: I thought they were just, like, siblings or something?
[Link here for trends in Legion hotness polls. Doubletime is currently leading across multiple age brackets and demographics, knocking Saiyaman out of the lead in the teen/young adult fan bracket and Nova Prime out of the lead in the 25+ bracket.]
[A Talokian man is shown. His face is humorless and serious.]
Talokian man: My favorite Legionnaire is Umbra, as she's the great shadow champion of our people. [A pause.] However, I found the one known as Iudex to be a sentient of great courage and dignity. His death during the fight against Galactus' herald was very honorable.
[A female Coluan is shown, her chin up so that she's clearly looking down on the question. Her face is twisted into a sneer.]
Coluan woman: I find none of the Legion admirable. They shelter the contemptible Brainiac 5, who is so incompetent he almost single-handedly destroyed their organization, and they support Robotica, despite the war crimes of the Roboticans being more than enough to call for censure by the United Planets Council.
Interviewbot: What about their rescue of Braal? What are your thoughts on that? Bloop.
Coluan woman: The Coluan Groupthink was mere minutes away from discovering a way to remove Galactus from our universe. Instead, the Legion defeated a cosmic threat by introducing another cosmic threat to our universe. Their actions are irresponsible and foolish, as they've always been.
[Link here for the complicated history of Robotica's interactions with the rest of the United Planets.]
[A female Carggite, an older woman with grey hair, is shown, triplicated into her triplet selves.]
Interviewbot: Beep. Do you feel these new Legionnaires are worthy of being Legionnaires? How do you feel they compare? How did you feel about the original Legion? Before these new additions? Blip.
Carggite triplet 1: I think the original Legion, the ones that saved the United Planets again and again were the greatest heroes of our age. The galaxy hadn't seen their like since the existence of Valor and the ancient Earth heroes of old.
[Link here for historical information on the hero Valor and the heroes of ancient Earth.]
Carggite triplet 2: I feel that when it comes to skill that these new Legionnaires are just a pale shadow in comparison to what the UP once had. They're nowhere near as organized as the old Legion was. The old Legion used to fight these battles and look like a well-lubricated machine.
[On all three triplets, her harsh expression changes to a softer one.]
Carggite triplet 3: When it comes to spirit, however, I think they're every bit the Legionnaires the old Legionnaires used to be. When I look at them, I see Cargg's own lost Legionnaire, Triad. I see Cosmic Boy, and Apparition, and Livewire, and Invisible Kid. They'll grow into it. With luck, someone will find a way to get them home -- I think many would say that they hope that'll happen soon, even if it leaves us without them -- but until then, it's an honor being protected by them. That they would go against such powerful beings with so little experience together as a team certainly says something about their character.
Carggite triplet 1: Also, that Doubletime is [she lets out a low wolf whistle.]
Interviewbot: Beep boop. This is Interviewbot and this was "Word on the street"! Bloop.
[Back to the studio.]
Tammee: Touching words to end this episode on. [Her hand goes to her ear piece.] Wait, we have breaking Legion news...oh.
Shellee: [Seems thrown for a moment over what they've heard on their earpieces, then she smiles a big smile and quickly adjusts.] Good news! According to Legion reps, it seems that Legionnaire Iudex is in fact not dead, due to an unexpected facet of his powers. All memorial services have been cancelled and he's safe and unharmed on Legion World.
[Link here for breaking news on the cancellation of all memorial services for Iudex.]
Tammee: Great news to end this episode on. For more Legion action, be sure to keep tuning in! This is Tammee Tim!
Shellee: And Shellee Star!
Both: And this was Legion Watch!
Tammee: I'm Tammee Tim! [That would be the blue one.]
Shellee: I'm Shellee Star! [That would be the pink one.]
Both: And this is Legion Watch! [They say it in unison in the perkiest voices possible and a stylized graphic of the words "Legion Watch" appear at the bottom of the screen. Occasional clickable sidelinks pop up as the news show goes on.]
Shellee: In a shocking turn of events, a threat from another dimension entered our universe with the aim of devouring whole planets, a being named Galactus.
[Is the UP at risk for more dimensional threats coming through to our universe? Link here for opinions by the UP's top scientists.]
Tammee: This gobbling giant set its sights on the planet Braal, only to be stopped by the Legion, in their greatest new triumph yet!
[Video is shown of Galactus in his ship, looming ominously over Braal, his heralds zipping around in Braal's skies. The video seems like it must have been been impossible to get, but as soon as the crisis started, news drones started zipping around all around Braal's system, so the video is genuine and very clear, almost cinematic.]
Shellee: Several Legion teams managed to work together to stop Galactus and send him packing to another universe. One team, comprised of classic Legionnaires [she says "classic" like she's talking about non-diet soda] put together some kind of energy cannon near Braal's sun to damage Galactus' ship.
[Video is shown of the native Legionnaires putting the finishing touches on the sun cannon and firing it. The video cuts to orbital footage of the beam causing Galactus' ship damage, and then him looking across the void and blasting the cannon to pieces.]
Tammee: Fortunately, we're told that though several Legionnaires suffered injuries during Galactus' attack of the sun cannon, none were killed, and that they're all in good condition.
Shellee: And even more fortunately, it looks like Brainiac 5 didn't make this batch of Legionnaires disappear, too!
Both: [Laughter.]
[Link here for information on the Brainiac 5 scandal and the disappearance of most of the Legion.]
Tammee: But it's the other Legion teams that seem to have dealt the most damage to Galactus and forced him out of our universe.
Shellee: Teams comprised entirely of new Legionnaires: the displacees that the Legion have taken in from other universes!
Tammee: In a brave bid for peace, Legionnaire Nova Prime was seen trying to talk the heralds of Galactus into moving him to an uninhabited world. Sadly, this attempt nearly cost him his life.
[Footage is shown of the Surfer sticking his arm through Rich's chest, then it fast forwards and a blur is seen as Grif zips in and carries Rich off.]
Shellee: Good news, though: Legion reps says that Nova Prime survived the attack and is safely convalescing on Legion World.
Tammee: And the person responsible for that is none other than Legionnaire Doubletime, who risked going mere feet away from Galactus' herald to save his teammate. Let's get that shot in slow motion!
[The shot is shown again and when it's slowed down, it's clear that the orange blur is Grif running in, grabbing him, and carrying him off.]
Shellee: A touching act of selflessness for the sake of a teammate! Truly, these new recruits have the same spirit as the Legion of old.
[Link here for recent polls on Doubletime's popularity, now at 95% in several age brackets, up from 0.005%.]
Tammee: Indeed they do, Shellee! One of the greatest acts of heroism during the crisis was the fight against one of Galactus' heralds, a dangerous and homicidal energy being named Stardust. A team comprised entirely of recent Legion recruits was responsible for destroying Stardust and containing her energy so she couldn't reform.
[Footage is shown of the team fighting her.]
Shellee: Legionnaires Saiyaman, Superman, Sunfire, and Iudex successfully took the herald down.
Tammee: Superman is thought to actually be Legionnaire Superboy, who was beloved by the UP public during his six month tenure with the Legion several years back. Theories abound on whether this is him from a different point in his timeline, or a version from an alternate universe, but everyone in the UP can definitely agree it's good to see him back in action as a Legionnaire!
[Link here for information on past Superboy appearances in the UP.]
Shellee: After Saiyaman, aka Go-Getter Gohan, dealt some damage against Stardust in a ferocious attack, the other Legionnaires were able to use a discarded Braalian high-powered mining drill to stop the menace once and for all!
[Their final defeat of Stardust is shown.]
Shellee: Tragically, Legionnaire Iudex gave his life in the fight against Stardust. [Footage is shown of Alexander being tossed towards a black hole, though him being sucked in is left out in a thin attempt at tact.] The UP Council has pledged to have a memorial service and moment of silence for the Legionnaire tomorrow at 1400 hours near the Lost Legionnaire memorial in New Metropolis.
Tammee: Truly, he will be missed. [Her somber expression gives way to a giant, plastic smile.] And now a word from our sponsors!
[A blue alien with tentacles is shown in a very futuristic kitchen. He struggles somewhat comically to open a container of purple sludge that spills all over his front.]
Voiceover: Are you tired of the hard-to-open containers of pre-packaged snarlok?
The alien: [Looks at the camera despairingly] Yes!
Voiceover: Are you tired of finding plibs in your store-bought snarlok?
[A container of purple sludge is shown with gooey green bits in it.]
The alien: I hate plibs!
The alien: [Tries to make purple stuff in a weird alien blender, but their comical flailing knocks the lid off and they get sprayed in the face with purple gunk.]
Voiceover: Are you tired of the mess of making homemade snarlock in a glorpblinder?
The alien: All the time!
Voiceover: Then you should try the Snarloblinder 3000! With the Snarloblinder 3000, you can make fresh, homemade snarlok with none of the hassle and none of the mess!
[A Snarloblinder 3000 is shown on the screen, a fancy-blending device that looks more complicated than the other blender device.]
Voiceover: Store-bought snarlok has difficult-to-open packaging and plibs. Traditional snarlok requires multiple ploombs, a glibglar, and mikklesnigs, and can take three whole days to make. And making snarlok with normal glorpblinders is a hassle! With the Snarloblinder 3000, you simply take your snarlok ingredients and put them in the labeled chambers, where they'll be plimped, gloomped, and snibsnobbed automatically. [Tentacles are shown shoving and pouring globby green balls, purple root vegetables, and some kind of jiggling blue liquid, among other things, into various chambers.] Then the ingredients are blended together into smooth, creamy snarlok, at a perfect texture to avoid forming plibs!
The alien: [After it's all blended, the alien pours it into a cup and takes a sip.] Now that's some fantastic snarlok, just like all five of my mothers used to make! And my kitchen counter's still pristine!
Voiceover: Don't settle for kitchen messes or prepackaged snarlok, with its difficult-to-open packaging and plibs. [Each scenario is shown again, with the video freezing and going to black and white, and a giant red X appearing over each one.] Buy a Snarloblinder 3000! It makes snarlok just like your mothers used to make, in mere minutes instead of days like traditional snarlok! Now available where all kitchen googlebips are sold!
[Link here for lists of stores and online delivery depots where Snarloblinder 3000s are sold.]
[The Legion Watch logo flashes again and explodes, going back to Shellee and Tammee]
Tammee: I'm Tammee Tim!
Shellee: And I'm Shellee Star!
Both: And you're back to watching Legion Watch!
Shellee: While one team took down the dangerous herald Stardust, another team during the Galactus crisis fought against a being called the Silver Surfer, the same dangerous entity that injured Nova Prime. Legionnaires Cure Blossom, Doubletime, Forge, Toothless, and Nova fought the Surfer, until they managed to convince him to lead Galactus away from Braal!
Tammee: And one of them managed to look fabulous as she did it! Legionnaire Cure Blossom's floral uniform accents have caught on with sentients of all ages. Flower looks are now heavily trending and famous fashion designer Giilo Kreev is now sporting flower fashion himself and plans to start a brand new floral-based clothing line.
[Link here for photos of Giilo Kreev's new floral look.]
Shellee: Clearly, Cure Blossom knows how to save the world in style!
Tammee: Meanwhile, there is some mystery about the new Nova. Legion reps state that Nova Prime took on the addition of "Prime" in his superhero name to allow the younger hero to have the name "Nova." Is the new Nova a younger brother?
Shellee: Perhaps even his son? Theories abound!
Tammee: Several Legionnaires went unseen during the crisis, but Legion sources say that Green Lantern, Spider-Woman, Captain Mystery, and newer recruit, Justice, went on a secret mission and are responsible for the release of the cosmic being that kicked Galactus out of our universe: The Spectre.
[Footage of the Spectre's fight is briefly shown on screen, but since many of the news drones had burned out during it, it's only a snippet.]
Shellee: Legion representatives have been quick to assure the public that the Spectre is an entity that is much less malicious than Galactus and that they have a way to eventually return him to containment.
Tammee: Let's hope so, Shellee! I sure wouldn't want to get on his bad side!
Shellee: During the crisis, a UP military fleet was dispatched to deal with Galactus but found itself grounded due to technical difficulties. The UP Council has accused the Legion of interfering with the fleet, but Legion reps state that the Legion isn't responsible and have demanded that the UP military furnish proof of interference.
Tammee: [Her voice goes respectfully somber, proving that she's capable of sounding actually empathetic instead of fake.] In other Legion related news, a psionic, parasitic being called Harrow was defeated on Braal by Legionnaires Payback, Amp, and Saiyawoman. In an unfortunate turn of events, seven sentients were killed during Harrow's opportunistic attack of a Spirit of the Last Son church where scared citizens of Braal were gathered during the crisis. An eighth, his host body, was discovered to be already deceased when Harrow was telepathically extracted. However, thanks to the intervention of the Legion, these eight were the only victims.
Shellee: A memorial has been erected outside the church and a service will be held for the victims tomorrow at 1800.
[Link here for information on memorial services and what you can do to help the survivors and loved ones of the victims.]
Tammee: Several church goers have praised the Legionnaires for their timely intervention, claiming that their selflessness and quick engagement of Harrow allowed them to safely escape.
Shellee: Science Police reps say that now that Harrow has been extracted from his last host and contained, he'll be facing a UP tribunal with charges of multi-murder. While the loss of life was tragic, the Legion's intervention is thought to have saved the lives of over 60 sentients and prevented Harrow from attacking more worlds.
Tammee: Now, another word from our sponsors.
[A purple little girl with one eye, a blue boy with giant bat ears, and a genderless, amorphous, clear child in a baseball hat are sitting around a living room looking bored.]
Little girl: Grife, I wish we could find something to do. I sure am bored!
Little boy: Me, too!
Blob child: I wish we could do cool things like the Legion. I bet they're never bored!
Voiceover: Did somebody say they want to be like the Legion?
All three: [All three look at the camera] Do we ever!
Voiceover: Now you can jump into action just like the Legion, with the new series of Legion action figures, made by Middelworks!
[There's an explosion and the room disappears, leaving the kids in an area with a bunch of action figures and a little playset to play them on.]
All three: Wooow!
Little boy: [holds up a Grif action figure.] It looks just like the real Doubletime! [He presses a button and the action figure has a soft-light hologram over it that makes it appear to blur.] Nyooom! Can't catch me! [He presses another button.]
Grif figure: [It has a pretty close approximation to his voice, taken from news drone samples and synthesized to sound like him.] I like donuts and saving the world!
Little girl: And it sounds just like the real Doubletime, too! [Picks up a Hiccup action figure and puts it on the Toothless figure. The ad makes them look as if they're flying around independently and a plastic plasma blast shoots from Toothless' mouth and hits a Stardust figure, causing it and some fake rocks to fall down.] Forge even comes with his reptile friend, Toothless!
Hiccup figure: We've got a world to save! Let's go, bud!
Blob child: [Plays with a Spider-Woman figure] Wow, Spider-Woman even has spiderweb action!
Gwen figure: You really think you can hurt innocent people with the Legion around? Awful plan. Zero out of ten! [The figure then shoots fake webbing, but it's an actual stringy substance that snags a Silver Surfer action figure and pulls it off of the playset's ledge.]
Galactus figure: [Looms up over the edge of the playset. This figure is larger than the others.] GALACTUS HUNGERS!
Little boy: Oh no, it's Galactus!
Voiceover: Galactus doesn't stand a chance when the whole Legion's on the case!
[Cool looking action figures of the entire active Legion roster are shown.]
[Except for Brainy.]
Little girl: Take that, Galactus!
[The figures are all shown firing various powers. Some actually look pretty cool because of holograms the toys have built in.]
Galactus figure: NOOOOOO! [Falls out of view.]
[The three kids are shown again.]
All three: Let's go, Legion!
Voiceover: The Legion of Superheroes! By Middelworks!
[The whole set is displayed on the screen, then a Legion of Superheroes Middelworks logo.]
Voiceover: Middelworks claims no formal affiliation with the Legion of Superheroes. Made for sentients of variable ages, please check packaging for each species' age recommendation. With the exception of Forge and Toothless figures, all figures are sold separately. Legion playset is sold separately. Toy accessories may present choking hazards for young sentients that have throats or blowholes.
[Link here for toy outlets where Legion of Superheroes toys are sold!]
[The Legion Watch logo flashes again and explodes, going back to Shellee and Tammee]
Tammee: I'm Tammee Tim!
Shellee: And I'm Shellee Star!
Both: And you're back to watching Legion Watch!
Shellee: Some final news on the Galactus incident: According to Legion reps, a new orbital station has replaced the one that was destroyed by Galactus around the planet Phelolu. Legion reps state that all staff on the original station safely evacuated and that conditions on the planet, which changed when Galactus devoured the system's sun, won't prevent them from still rescuing dimensional displacees.
Tammee: In other good news, they also believe no displacees appeared in between the time the station was destroyed and replaced.
Shellee: Now we're going to Interviewbot, for the word on the street! UP citizens like you are being asked questions about how they feel about the Legion!
["Word on the Street" flashes on the screen and explodes, like the "Legion Watch" logo.]
[Two very cute young women are shown on a busy city street. One of them is a purple Liralian with bright green hair. The other is a human blonde who looks like she's barely out of her teens.]
Interviewbot: Bleep. Who is your favorite Legionnaire?
Blonde woman: Do you mean, like, which one is the most admirable or, like, which is, like, the cutest?
Liralian woman: If it's the hottest, it's a tie between Green Lantern or Nova Prime. [A pause.] No wait, it's totally Doubletime. Oh my grife. He's so dangerous.
Blonde woman: Honestly, I think Saiyawoman is the cutest. I mean, costume aside. She just, like, seems sooo confident.
Liralian woman: I don't know, isn't she lifebonded to Saiyaman? They both have similar names. I figured having a similar hero name was the equivalent of having the same last name like some species do after joining ceremonies.
Blonde woman: I thought they were just, like, siblings or something?
[Link here for trends in Legion hotness polls. Doubletime is currently leading across multiple age brackets and demographics, knocking Saiyaman out of the lead in the teen/young adult fan bracket and Nova Prime out of the lead in the 25+ bracket.]
[A Talokian man is shown. His face is humorless and serious.]
Talokian man: My favorite Legionnaire is Umbra, as she's the great shadow champion of our people. [A pause.] However, I found the one known as Iudex to be a sentient of great courage and dignity. His death during the fight against Galactus' herald was very honorable.
[A female Coluan is shown, her chin up so that she's clearly looking down on the question. Her face is twisted into a sneer.]
Coluan woman: I find none of the Legion admirable. They shelter the contemptible Brainiac 5, who is so incompetent he almost single-handedly destroyed their organization, and they support Robotica, despite the war crimes of the Roboticans being more than enough to call for censure by the United Planets Council.
Interviewbot: What about their rescue of Braal? What are your thoughts on that? Bloop.
Coluan woman: The Coluan Groupthink was mere minutes away from discovering a way to remove Galactus from our universe. Instead, the Legion defeated a cosmic threat by introducing another cosmic threat to our universe. Their actions are irresponsible and foolish, as they've always been.
[Link here for the complicated history of Robotica's interactions with the rest of the United Planets.]
[A female Carggite, an older woman with grey hair, is shown, triplicated into her triplet selves.]
Interviewbot: Beep. Do you feel these new Legionnaires are worthy of being Legionnaires? How do you feel they compare? How did you feel about the original Legion? Before these new additions? Blip.
Carggite triplet 1: I think the original Legion, the ones that saved the United Planets again and again were the greatest heroes of our age. The galaxy hadn't seen their like since the existence of Valor and the ancient Earth heroes of old.
[Link here for historical information on the hero Valor and the heroes of ancient Earth.]
Carggite triplet 2: I feel that when it comes to skill that these new Legionnaires are just a pale shadow in comparison to what the UP once had. They're nowhere near as organized as the old Legion was. The old Legion used to fight these battles and look like a well-lubricated machine.
[On all three triplets, her harsh expression changes to a softer one.]
Carggite triplet 3: When it comes to spirit, however, I think they're every bit the Legionnaires the old Legionnaires used to be. When I look at them, I see Cargg's own lost Legionnaire, Triad. I see Cosmic Boy, and Apparition, and Livewire, and Invisible Kid. They'll grow into it. With luck, someone will find a way to get them home -- I think many would say that they hope that'll happen soon, even if it leaves us without them -- but until then, it's an honor being protected by them. That they would go against such powerful beings with so little experience together as a team certainly says something about their character.
Carggite triplet 1: Also, that Doubletime is [she lets out a low wolf whistle.]
Interviewbot: Beep boop. This is Interviewbot and this was "Word on the street"! Bloop.
[Back to the studio.]
Tammee: Touching words to end this episode on. [Her hand goes to her ear piece.] Wait, we have breaking Legion news...oh.
Shellee: [Seems thrown for a moment over what they've heard on their earpieces, then she smiles a big smile and quickly adjusts.] Good news! According to Legion reps, it seems that Legionnaire Iudex is in fact not dead, due to an unexpected facet of his powers. All memorial services have been cancelled and he's safe and unharmed on Legion World.
[Link here for breaking news on the cancellation of all memorial services for Iudex.]
Tammee: Great news to end this episode on. For more Legion action, be sure to keep tuning in! This is Tammee Tim!
Shellee: And Shellee Star!
Both: And this was Legion Watch!