[Private text to Dave]

[jonesiseverywhere]

Hey bro
Got some questions for you about trolls
You don't gotta answer this if you're still bummed about your bf let me know OK?

Comments

[turntex]

well thats not ominous or anything
what

[jonesiseverywhere]

Well like
The girls
What are they like normally

[turntex]

batshit at best and homicidal at worst
and yes they do have tits for some reason despite not really being mammals
why

[jonesiseverywhere]

So they're all like that one girl with the trident and the fish puns at the studio?
Like
All of them?

[turntex]

okay so ive only met slash encountered like a dozen different troll ladies but thats literally all that was left the the race plus a bunch of ghosts so im pretty confident in my analysis
having studied all living troll chicks plus some dead ones i think its safe to say they all land somewhere on that batshit to homicidal spectrum
some of them were pretty good company but still
mini fishbitch probably seemed kinda underwhelming but an alt universe version of her grew up to be a transuniversal space conquerer who flooded earth and wiped out all the humans so take the puns with a grain of salt
that one is definitely on the homicidal end of our troll girl personalities spectrum
hell she blasted straight through that end of the spectrum to go above and beyond

[jonesiseverywhere]

Dude I am no stranger to alternate universes
Theres this me in this other universe who's pretty rad
Except he never takes off his hockey mask even when he's hanging out with his bros and that's kinda creepy
I mean masks are cool but don't you wanna look your friends in the face?
Anyway you're saying that this girl could grow up that way but hasn't yet
She's still crazy but she hasn't passed over from hot crazy to yikes crazy

[turntex]

dude
wasnt she already trying to kill you
how is that not registering as yikes crazy to you

[jonesiseverywhere]

Well that wasn't the first time it's happened
See back home there was this chick who got mutated into a giant poison snake but then she got mostly turned back into a pretty slamming snake-chick
And I thought she was a good guy but the big bad brainwashed her into being evil
But I didn't know that when we actually met so she attacked me
Then kind of came on to me
Then did like...both at the same time?
It was kind of awesome.

[turntex]

jesus christ stop
i dont wanna hear about your dangerboner dude holy shit
what was even the point of this
did you just want confirmation that teen alienghost betty crocker is in fact your type or what

[jonesiseverywhere]

Seemed like a good idea at the time?
And anyway I don't even know what you're playing at
You're dating a troll too dude
So you got to be at least as into it as me

[turntex]

no no no
totally different
karkats sane and nonhomicidal
hes a huge sap actually he likes romance movies and will smith and hes never murdered anyone
i picked the one troll that isnt batshit and youre checking out the one that goes on to exterminate the human race
we are at opposite ends of the trolldating spectrum

[jonesiseverywhere]

So when he came down to you and was all "take me to your leader" or whatever
You showed him romantic Will Smith movies?
That was Earth junk 101 for you
Like you were thinking "yeah he totally won't invade if I show him something as lame as possible"

[turntex]

no jesus look
first of all the trolls didnt invade us
i mean i guess they did in the universe where the fishbitch took over but in my version earth got wrecked by meteors and the same shit happened to trollworld and we all got together to try to co-create a new universe
and second will smith is a universal constant and karkat was in love with him long before we ever met
trust me i was not the one who pulled out the dvd of hitch and demanded we watch it
that was all him

[jonesiseverywhere]

...
You're totally making this up

[turntex]

i shit you not
troll will smith is a real thing
where do you think karkat got his superhero name from
theres a troll tv show called the thresh prince about an uppity greenblood played by troll will smith showing all the bluebloods that hes sick enough to join their threshecutioner ranks